The Beach Etiquette edition

Alternate title: The dos and don’ts of ‘beaching’

‘Beaching’ ? ? ?

Well there should be a verb that describes going

to the beach for the day…..

…..and now you have one !…..

When the G-man panted along the sea front in Hernia Bay

this Sunday morning he was surprised…..

…..Mightily

…..because there was practically nobody about

…..it was late morning, the sun was up, it was hot

The forecast was for another near-scorchio summer’s day

But it was…..

EMPTY

DESERTED

VOIDED

Now Saturday must have been a different deal altogether

because the evidence of a good day’s beaching abounded

The bins along the promenade were full and surrounded by

detritus that wouldn’t fit in…..

…..and so was the beach ! ! ! ! !

Not planning on coming back the next day a great many of

the Saturday revellers just left their waste behind…..

…..used disposable BBQs

…..empty beer and wine bottles

…..empty packets

…..even condoms (the full variety and I’m not making this up !)

And since the council don’t clean the beaches on a Sunday

…..those folk that like to go beaching steer clear on the

traditional day of rest

NICE ! ! ! ! !

And the British wonder why their seaside resorts are dying

Now the average person who likes to go beaching in Hernia Bay

can roughly be described as follows…..

SHOCKINGLY PINK

A WALKING ADVERT FOR A TATTOO PARLOUR

TYPE 1 DIABETIC

LOUD

A PIT BULL OWNER

ADDICTED TO TAKEAWAYS

Well, you get the general idea

Both the male and female of the species are strikingly alike…..

…..the males probably haven’t seen their old boys since they

turned twenty two

…..the women wouldn’t find their bra size in Agent Provocateur

So now you have the don’ts

And the dos ?

Just go Italian…..

…..that should do it !

Speedos for the men (incredible but true and still going

strong after one hundred and two years in business…..of

course, without the Italians they would likely have gone

bust in the 1930s)

Opposite sex watching

Water is the usual refreshment

No ghetto blasters

Just the serious business of catching rays and trying to turn

a darker shade of chestnut brown

Oh, one more thing…..

Condoms stay in the car where they will be used later (hopefully)

Simples…..

If your waist size is bigger than your chest size, you should be

barred from beaching

If you don’t want to look at the babes (boys) or the dudes (girls)

then you should probably stick to challenging mathematical

pursuits like Bingo !

Now where have I put my speedos ? ? ? ? ?

G

Advertisements
Standard

3 thoughts on “The Beach Etiquette edition

  1. Ioulia says:

    Lol Hi Peter, hope all is well. Very witty blog! Sounds like everything has ‘gone Herne Bay shaped’ ewwww…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s