Alternate title: The dos and don’ts of ‘beaching’
‘Beaching’ ? ? ?
Well there should be a verb that describes going
to the beach for the day…..
…..and now you have one !…..
When the G-man panted along the sea front in Hernia Bay
this Sunday morning he was surprised…..
…..because there was practically nobody about
…..it was late morning, the sun was up, it was hot
The forecast was for another near-scorchio summer’s day
But it was…..
Now Saturday must have been a different deal altogether
because the evidence of a good day’s beaching abounded
The bins along the promenade were full and surrounded by
detritus that wouldn’t fit in…..
…..and so was the beach ! ! ! ! !
Not planning on coming back the next day a great many of
the Saturday revellers just left their waste behind…..
…..used disposable BBQs
…..empty beer and wine bottles
…..even condoms (the full variety and I’m not making this up !)
And since the council don’t clean the beaches on a Sunday
…..those folk that like to go beaching steer clear on the
traditional day of rest
NICE ! ! ! ! !
And the British wonder why their seaside resorts are dying
Now the average person who likes to go beaching in Hernia Bay
can roughly be described as follows…..
A WALKING ADVERT FOR A TATTOO PARLOUR
TYPE 1 DIABETIC
A PIT BULL OWNER
ADDICTED TO TAKEAWAYS
Well, you get the general idea
Both the male and female of the species are strikingly alike…..
…..the males probably haven’t seen their old boys since they
turned twenty two
…..the women wouldn’t find their bra size in Agent Provocateur
So now you have the don’ts
And the dos ?
Just go Italian…..
…..that should do it !
Speedos for the men (incredible but true and still going
strong after one hundred and two years in business…..of
course, without the Italians they would likely have gone
bust in the 1930s)
Opposite sex watching
Water is the usual refreshment
No ghetto blasters
Just the serious business of catching rays and trying to turn
a darker shade of chestnut brown
Oh, one more thing…..
Condoms stay in the car where they will be used later (hopefully)
If your waist size is bigger than your chest size, you should be
barred from beaching
If you don’t want to look at the babes (boys) or the dudes (girls)
then you should probably stick to challenging mathematical
pursuits like Bingo !
Now where have I put my speedos ? ? ? ? ?