The Beach Etiquette edition

groovers offside

Alternate title: The dos and don’ts of ‘beaching’

‘Beaching’ ? ? ?

Well there should be a verb that describes going

to the beach for the day…..

…..and now you have one !…..

When the G-man panted along the sea front in Hernia bay

this Sunday morning he was surprised…..

…..Mightily

…..because there was practically nobody about

…..it was late morning, the sun was up, it was hot

The forecast was for another near-scorchio summer’s day

But it was…..

EMPTY

DESERTED

VOIDED

Now Saturday must have been a different deal altogether

because the evidence of a good day’s beaching abounded

The bins along the promenade were full and surrounded by

detritus that wouldn’t fit in…..

…..and so was the beach ! ! ! ! !

Not planning on coming back the next day a great many of

the Saturday revellers just left their waste behind…..

…..used disposable BBQs

…..empty beer…

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The Beach Etiquette edition

Alternate title: The dos and don’ts of ‘beaching’

‘Beaching’ ? ? ?

Well there should be a verb that describes going

to the beach for the day…..

…..and now you have one !…..

When the G-man panted along the sea front in Hernia Bay

this Sunday morning he was surprised…..

…..Mightily

…..because there was practically nobody about

…..it was late morning, the sun was up, it was hot

The forecast was for another near-scorchio summer’s day

But it was…..

EMPTY

DESERTED

VOIDED

Now Saturday must have been a different deal altogether

because the evidence of a good day’s beaching abounded

The bins along the promenade were full and surrounded by

detritus that wouldn’t fit in…..

…..and so was the beach ! ! ! ! !

Not planning on coming back the next day a great many of

the Saturday revellers just left their waste behind…..

…..used disposable BBQs

…..empty beer and wine bottles

…..empty packets

…..even condoms (the full variety and I’m not making this up !)

And since the council don’t clean the beaches on a Sunday

…..those folk that like to go beaching steer clear on the

traditional day of rest

NICE ! ! ! ! !

And the British wonder why their seaside resorts are dying

Now the average person who likes to go beaching in Hernia Bay

can roughly be described as follows…..

SHOCKINGLY PINK

A WALKING ADVERT FOR A TATTOO PARLOUR

TYPE 1 DIABETIC

LOUD

A PIT BULL OWNER

ADDICTED TO TAKEAWAYS

Well, you get the general idea

Both the male and female of the species are strikingly alike…..

…..the males probably haven’t seen their old boys since they

turned twenty two

…..the women wouldn’t find their bra size in Agent Provocateur

So now you have the don’ts

And the dos ?

Just go Italian…..

…..that should do it !

Speedos for the men (incredible but true and still going

strong after one hundred and two years in business…..of

course, without the Italians they would likely have gone

bust in the 1930s)

Opposite sex watching

Water is the usual refreshment

No ghetto blasters

Just the serious business of catching rays and trying to turn

a darker shade of chestnut brown

Oh, one more thing…..

Condoms stay in the car where they will be used later (hopefully)

Simples…..

If your waist size is bigger than your chest size, you should be

barred from beaching

If you don’t want to look at the babes (boys) or the dudes (girls)

then you should probably stick to challenging mathematical

pursuits like Bingo !

Now where have I put my speedos ? ? ? ? ?

G

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The Exploding Italian Myth edition

groovers offside

Well, what are myths for if not exploding ?

In the meantime let’s put the lie to some other myths…..

Myth No. 1

The Americans are super-efficient

Wrong !

Certainly they are super-efficient at exterminating themselves

But any society that permits any old Joe to buy an assault

rifle is bound to run into a hail of gunfire sooner or later…..

Look, there are a third of a billion of them…..

…..it only takes a tiny percentage of them to be less than

gruntled and…..

…..of course one could reduce the risk by not going to

SCHOOL

CHURCH

GAY CLUBS

RALLIES

Or alternatively just stop selling ‘weapons of localised mass

destruction’ to anyone clutching enough green backs

Myth No. 2

The British are efficient

Wrong ! !

The G-man had need of some liquid sustenance recently whilst

up in town (London)

He slipped into Walkers of Whitehall near Trafalgar Square

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The Exploding Italian Myth edition

Well, what are myths for if not exploding ?

In the meantime let’s put the lie to some other myths…..

Myth No. 1

The Americans are super-efficient

Wrong !

Certainly they are super-efficient at exterminating themselves

But any society that permits any old Joe to buy an assault

rifle is bound to run into a hail of gunfire sooner or later…..

Look, there are a third of a billion of them…..

…..it only takes a tiny percentage of them to be less than

gruntled and…..

…..of course one could reduce the risk by not going to

SCHOOL

CHURCH

GAY CLUBS

RALLIES

Or alternatively just stop selling ‘weapons of localised mass

destruction’ to anyone clutching enough green backs

Myth No. 2

The British are efficient

Wrong ! !

The G-man had need of some liquid sustenance recently whilst

up in town (London)

He slipped into Walkers of Whitehall near Trafalgar Square

http://www.walkersofwhitehall.co.uk (basically this is one-up from

a pub)

This place is fresh, vibrant and features a robata grill…..

Well, that’s what the website says…………NICE

As he walked up the steps through the front door he was greeted

by a, well, a greeter I suppose

Schwing…..that was a good start

The babe wanted to know whether we were eating or drinking

‘Drinking’, I replied, ‘and you have just slowed me down’

The greeter-babe obligingly pointed out the bar to the G-ster

Three paces later and I was there

‘A pint of Greene King Abbot Ale, please’ I asked the beaming

bar steward

The beaming bar steward turned to another bar steward and passed

my order on

The second bar steward proceeded to draw me a beer

Meanwhile, a third bar steward approached and said that will be

£4, please

I passed over a tenner

Curiously, the third bar steward handed the tenner to a fourth

bar steward who rang up my sale in the till and brought me my

change

Not bad going…..

One pint of bitter served, five people involved in the process

Efficient or what ? ? ? ? ?

I did ask how many people would be required if I were to order

a poached egg on toast

Really, I did

All four of the bar stewards just looked at me as though I was

speaking Martian !

Now for the Italians……………….

Myth No. 3

Rumoured to be inefficient

Hold your breath…..

When the G-man bought Casa Groover in Bassangeles in 2002 it

had no kitchen

Anyway, I found an obliging Italian who when I agreed to part

with seventeen thousand euros said he would stick a kitchen in

Said kitchen had to be made to order and so I said let’s fix

a date and I will come back for the fitting ceremony

We fixed a date about three months hence

Nice

When I told a colleague at work I was taking a long weekend in

three months time to go to Bassangelese for the installation they

looked at me like I had grown another head

Unfortunately, I had bought the plane ticket and hired a car so

I was committed to going

Anyway, at 8.03am on the said fixed date my buzzer went

I answered it and shouted…..

‘You’re late, you told me three months ago you would be here

at 8.00am’

Fortunately, he got the G-humour and laughed

A team of men humped all the equipment, marble work surfaces

and electrical appliances up the stairs and started work

At 7pm the Italian announced they had finished but he was going

to come back in the morning and change one thing he was not

quite happy with…..

‘It’s not beautiful’ he kept repeating over and over

It looked bloody marvellous to me

So the Italians are efficient…..

…..as long as they work in the private sector

QED

Now the public sector would be a different story altogether

G.

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The No Means Not Now edition

groovers offside

There is a disease associated with having had an empire

The French have it

The Americans have it because their empire never

actually materialised and they are pissed-off about it

Interestingly, the British Empire which was largely built

on commerce seems to have left the Brits nearly immune to

said disease

However, the Italians are the best examples on planet Earth

Well, the Roman Empire was one hell of a doozy ! ! ! (with

gratitude to The Fonz, Happy Days, 1974-1984)

If you have a spare month with nothing to do you can try

reading Edward Gibbon’s ‘Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire’,

published around 1776…..

…..it will tell where it all went wrong in six volumes

BUT !

Let’s face it, the Romans conquered trigonometry and worked

out that the shortest distance between two points is a

straight line

KAPOW ! ! ! ! !

They worked…

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The No Means Not Now edition

There is a disease associated with having had an empire

The French have it

The Americans have it because their empire never

actually materialised and they are pissed-off about it

Interestingly, the British Empire which was largely built

on commerce seems to have left the Brits nearly immune to

said disease

However, the Italians are the best examples on planet Earth

Well, the Roman Empire was one hell of a doozy ! ! ! (with

gratitude to The Fonz, Happy Days, 1974-1984)

If you have a spare month with nothing to do you can try

reading Edward Gibbon’s ‘Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire’,

published around 1776…..

…..it will tell where it all went wrong in six volumes

BUT !

Let’s face it, the Romans conquered trigonometry and worked

out that the shortest distance between two points is a

straight line

KAPOW ! ! ! ! !

They worked out how to keep wild animals from losing their

in-the-wild conditioning by letting them catch Christians in

arenas

KAPOW ! ! ! ! !

They invented the orgy

DOUBLE KAPOW ! ! ! ! !

They introduced cross-dressing…..

?

Yes, they did !

Remember Russell Crowe in Gladiator, 2000

In most of the action scenes old Russ was romping around in

a mini-skirt !

The only people cheering this one are the Scots, Boy George

and the rest of the LGBTQ community

Errr, kapow …………………………

Perhaps not

So the world that gave us gladiators is at the root cause of

the modern Italian male condition

YES, it is !

The word gladiator actually comes from the Latin word for

sword (gladius)

So, gladiators are literally swordsmen…..

…..and ‘swordsmen’ in modern urban speak are players…..

…..SUCCESSFUL ones ! ! ! ! !

Italian dudes are indomitable where babes are concerned

For example…..

Girl says to Italian boy putting the bite on her,

‘I already have a boyfriend’

Italian boy might reply, ‘That’s OK, I have a girlfriend’

Confused, the girl might come back with,

‘So I’m with him and I can’t be with you’

Undeterred, he says, ‘But he’s not here and neither

is my girlfriend’

‘Err, that’s not quite how it works’, she gasps a little

exasperated

‘So the next time I see you and you don’t have a boyfriend

it will be OK’, and that is how he settles the matter

UNDEFEATED !

UNBOWED !

Basically, his theory is she will keep for later

The world that gave us Julius Caesar spawned millennia of

wannabes…..

…..both big and small

I will rest my case by saying one word…..

…..MUSSOLINI !

The modern Italian man is a prince in his mind and every

woman will love him…..

…..if not now then eventually

…..and if eventually never comes

…..Mama will always be there to reassure him

BLESS

G

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The Bad Loser edition

There are two types of losers…..

…..good ones and bad ones

Why ? ? ?

Well probably because there are some people who

coin phrases like…..

‘Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing’

Thank you, Henry Russell Sanders, who was a US college

football coach…..(UCLA Bruins)

…..or perhaps it was another famous football coach,

Vince Lombardi (Green Bay Packers)

Frankly, I don’t give a damn…..

Thank you, Rhett Butler, 1939, ‘Gone With The Wind’

In a two horse race, one will come home first and one second

Pretty self evident

The horse that came home second is not a loser

Ask the Icelandic football team if they are winners or losers

Ask the Icelandic people whether their football team are

heroes or villains

It is actually about taking part and discharging your role

with dignity whether or not you cross the line first

OK, that’s enough seriousness for one post…..

The day after the EU referendum the G-man wandered into the

The Bake & Alehouse in Westgate-on-Sea…..

…..one of (Great) Britain’s micropub revolution……

Feeling flushed, warm and fuzzy with the surprise result he

ordered a pint of ‘Independence Ale’…..

…..to be met with a blank look

‘Err, a pint of Independence Ale’, he volunteered for a second

time

‘What are you on about ?’ the landlord replied

‘It’s a reference to the referendum’ I offered

‘We voted ‘Remain’ in this pub, what do you want to drink ?’

BAD LOSER

Or let’s consider the Chancellor of the Exchequer, ‘Stupid’

George Osborne…..

Within a week a being on the wrong side of the EU debate he

abandons his 2020 fiscal targets which injects uncertainty into

already fragile financial markets

BAD LOSER

Worse yet, consider the EU technocrats who found themselves and

their pet project rejected by the (Great) British electorate…..

…..’It was a crap marriage so it will be a messy divorce’ said

one

BAD LOSER

Now if you take the (Great) Italian lover there is no such thing

as rejection…..

…..no question of not being successful

…..no hint of self-doubt

He knows that she doesn’t know that he is a god…..

…..Well, sort of

GOOD LOSER

G

ps The good news is we are getting our country back but is there

any chance that when it arrives it comes with a summer next time ? ! ? !

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