Have you ever wondered what it would be like to fail
…..Totally spectacularly ?
Well on Saturday night in Stockholm this was the fate
that befell the G-man and his outrider
The decision had been taken to go to a district called
…..Funky Town by any other name
Remember ‘Funky Town’, 1979, Lipps Inc ? ? ? ? ?
…..where the cool folk hang on a night out
And the venue was the uber cool Urban Deli
We rolled in…..you can’t book this place
…..and got a table with a good vantage point
High fives and beers all round !
Then it got even better. . . . . . .
This place was writhing with girls…..
Pairs of girls…..
Tables of four girls…..
Groups of six girls or more…..
We had died and gone to babe heaven ! ! ! ! !
More high fives and more beers !
BUT no eye contact !
Then the DJ pitched up and began to set up her gear
next to us…..
…..she was a babe too ! ! ! ! !
O.M.G ! ! ! ! !
STILL no eye contact ! !
Then the music came and washed over us…..
Madonna, 1989, ‘Express Yourself’
The Emotions, 1977, ‘Best Of My Love’
CeCe Peniston, 1992, ‘Finally’
Whitney Houston, 1992, ‘I’m Every Woman’
Something was not quite right…..
…..and I / we couldn’t put our little pinkies on it
Essentially we were too busy enjoying a veritable
This was the ‘Women of Algiers’, 1834, Delacroix-style
Holy Cow !
…..BUT STILL no eye contact ! ! !
Something was wrong
Eventually the penny (kronor) dropped
We were sodding invisible ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
H G Wells, 1897, ‘The Invisible Man’
Because these babes were only interested in babes !
DUDES ! Don’t bother !
It turned out the DJ was a sapphic turntable super star…..
…..and the writhing hordes of babes were her acolytes
HEAVEN to HELL in a hand cart
Well, not really…..
We were up against it…..
Some of these babes were BABES ! ! ! ! !
At least the G-man got to discover what kind of music
they like on Lesbos
As a parting shot he approached the ultra-standoffish DJ
…..a request, please…..?
Freda Payne, 1970, ‘Band Of Gold’ ?
She thought about it for a second then said…..
‘Sorry, never heard of it’
Not to be outdone I played the gay card…..
‘Oh, then let’s have ‘I will survive’, by Gloria Gaynor
‘Sorry, I don’t think I have that one’, she replied
News to the G-man…..
Lesbians don’t like Gays
Not what I had figured
Still they say you learn something new every day…..
…..and tomorrow is a new day
Perhaps I will get my MOJO back…..
…..I think I must have lost it down the back of the sofa