The Italian Porn Star edition

groovers offside

Everyone in Bassangeles knows Alessandro V.

…..and it’s not because he drives a Harley D.

…..or because he’s covered in tattoos

…..or because he has a clothes shop called ‘Bad Boy’

NO…..

…..it’s because he’s married to Elena Grimaldi

…..Italy’s most famous porn star

Now the G-man can honestly say he has never wondered

about what other couples do in the bedroom…..

…..but in this case I would be being dishonest

I would love to ask him ! ! ! ! !

And even more interestingly !….!…..!…..!

…..what about the chat when they get home from work ?

Her…..’Busy day in the shop, darling?’

Him…..’Not bad, how was your day, dear?’

Her…..’Same old, same old…..sodomised, gangbanged,

bukakeed, etc, etc’

Him…..’Oh good, fancy a cup of tea, then?’

I do wonder whether he feels he has to live up to the

standards of her male, err, actors…..

…..whether he feels he…

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The Italian Porn Star edition

Everyone in Bassangeles knows Alessandro V.

…..and it’s not because he drives a Harley D.

…..or because he’s covered in tattoos

…..or because he has a clothes shop called ‘Bad Boy’

NO…..

…..it’s because he’s married to Elena Grimaldi

…..Italy’s most famous porn star

Now the G-man can honestly say he has never wondered

about what other couples do in the bedroom…..

…..but in this case I would be being dishonest

I would love to ask him ! ! ! ! !

And even more interestingly !….!…..!…..!

…..what about the chat when they get home from work ?

Her…..’Busy day in the shop, darling?’

Him…..’Not bad, how was your day, dear?’

Her…..’Same old, same old…..sodomised, gangbanged,

bukakeed, etc, etc’

Him…..’Oh good, fancy a cup of tea, then?’

I do wonder whether he feels he has to live up to the

standards of her male, err, actors…..

…..whether he feels he is always being compared

…..whether every marital moment of unison is being

graded by her against her day job

…..whether there is sometimes a slight look of pity

on her face when he comes out of the shower

Bless…..

…..I can assure you he is always jolly when you see him

Well, he has hit the jackpot, so to speak

Anyway, for those of you who are interested you can make

your own mind up by watching her work on your laptop…..

…..apparently ‘Deflowering Italian Nun!’ starring said

wife is the most viewed porn clip in Italy…..

Do you think that says something about the state of the

Catholic church in La Dolce Vita ? ? ?

…..or maybe simply Italian men have odd sexual fantasies ! ! !

Anyway, from Bassangeles to Wurzburg in Germany…..

…..the G-man stopped there on Saturday night on his return

journey to Blighty…..

NEWS !

REVELATION !

JOHN HOLMES is alive !

The world’s most famous porn star is supposed to have died

in 1988

INCORRECT !

He is alive and well and living in Wurzburg and owns a

restaurant called ‘Vier Jahreszeiten’ (Four Seasons)

http://www.vier-jahreszeiten-wuerzburg.de

OK, the hair is now more salt and pepper than brown…..

…..BUT…..

…..the trademark tight curly perm and…..

…..the mullet are still there

Mind you, in Germany both aforementioned male hair

fashions have never gone out of fashion…..

…..whoever said when you have a winning formula, stick

with it ? ? ?

Well…..

I think you can assume that whoever it was was German !

Regarding food and atmosphere this place is a gem…..

…..it’s designed so that you feel you are in the

countryside whilst you are in the middle of a city

The food is traditional German and the wines are the

delicious Frankische variety grown around Wurzburg

As for old John Holmes, he is now a genial mein host

that consumes the local beer at an alarming rate whilst

on the job

…..I wish I had had the nerve to ask him whether it

was true about the 4000 frauleins he claims to have

busted !

Jealous ?

Me ?

Well, just a little bit of Alessando V.

G.

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The Italian Loser edition

This edition is about old men, young (ish) women

and the one thing an Italian never needs to be

doubtful about…..

…..Food !

So last weekend the G-man shimmied into Venice to

go to church…..

…..Well, quite a few actually

…..but not to pray for forgiveness (far too late)

…..but to worship at the altar (literally) of the

Renaissance painters…..

Seriously !

Why pay to go to a museum and pay to see paintings that

weren’t meant to be in a museum to begin with ? ? ? ? ?

So if you find yourself in Venice….

‘Get Smart’, 1965-1970 starring Don Adams !

Go to the Chiesa San Pantalon and stare in astonishment at

the baroque ceiling by Fumiani…..

…..FREE

Or got to the Chiesa dei Carmini and wonder at the altar pieces

by Tintoretto, Conegliano, Lotto and works by Veronese and Ricci

…..FREE AGAIN

Anyway, I digress but you get the idea

As I wandered randomly through the Jewish Ghetto (in Italian they

call this to ‘andare a zonzo’)…..

…..I spied a very feminine gondolier standing beside a gondola

…..WHOA !

‘I say’, I said, ‘Why are you wearing a red stripy top ?’…..

…..’Is that because you’re a bird ?’

Unruffled by my cockney interlocution she replied…..

‘We are allowed to on weekends and feast days’

‘Ahh, interesting’, I replied, ‘You’re a rare breed, I mean a lady

captain of a pointy black boat’

‘You are right there, Sir. There are only two of us out of 500

gondolas in Venice’

Intrigued…..to say the least !

‘And were you the first or the last to take up said profession ?’

‘The second’ she replied

‘Shame’, I said, ‘I would have hired you but I only back winners’

She almost laughed…..but not quite ! ! ! ! !

Today, I nipped into a bar for an ice cream to find the place

full of ‘old farts’ playing cards…..

…..That’s fine as it stands…..

…..but not one of them had so much as a coffee between them…..

…..and there were about 30 of them !

Now I understand if the missus is watching the soaps and you want

to do something a bit more intellectual but surely you can’t sit

in a cafe and play cards for free…..

…..somebody has to pay the rent

…..the lights

…..the toilet rolls

…..etc

…..etc

WRONG !

This is Italy where even being wrong you can be right

It’s a great place to be a loser

Bless

So back to food…..

I’m not quite sure how to express this…..

First, go to the website of this amazing restaurant…..

http://www.trattoriadallamalgari.it

Nestled on a hillside on the outskirts of Bassano this place

is…..

…..simply

…..just

…..the best

…..regional cuisine serving seasonal food and specialising

in meat…..

YES !

OH BLOODY YES ! !

If you have to eat in heaven I expect these people will be

running the kitchen

G.

G.

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The ‘I Died And Went to Heaven’ edition

This post is not about the ‘S’ word…..

…..which is hard in a country where Sex permeates

everything

The Italians didn’t invent sex…..

…..they just think they did !

Which reminds me of an unusual experience on Sunday…..

They say truth is stranger than fiction…..

…..NOBODY could have made this one up ! ! ! ! !

The G-man flaneur-ed his way round Venice at the weekend

…..and met a very unusual member of the species…..

…..Homo Sapiens…..

Outwardly, said gentleman looked Japanese / Korean / Chinese

He spoke Italian and English and lived in the Jewish ghetto

But it turns out that he was born in Brazil (talks Brazilian)

…..to Japanese immigrants (doesn’t talk Japanese)

…..and is married to an English woman who like him is an

artist

Sensing my confusion / incredulity he hastened to make light

of the muddle that was his life…..

…..

‘I like to say’ he said…..

…..’That my heart belongs to Brazil’

…..’My blood belongs to Japan’

…..’and my stomach belongs to Italy !’

I laughed…..

He chuckled infectiously…..

…..but I was dying to ask if his manhood belonged to Blighty

…..although it clearly did because he kept bigging his

missus up ! ! ! ! !

I demurred

I know…..but it was early and my blood was still slightly

curdled from Saturday night’s (over) indulgences

Back to the subject of this post and the Jap / Brazzer / Itie’s

third and most important claim

Italy = Food Heaven

Last week I dined in Al Cappello in Breganze

I sat beside an open fire with forty pigeons being spit-roasted

‘Torresani allo Spiedo’ is the house speciality

Well, I was warm…..the fire was like a bloody furnace but

…..I ducked the pigeon…..

…..and ate maccheroncini with mascarpone and asparagus (pasta)

…..followed by tagliata di manzo al rosmarino (beef)

…..finished with tiramisu al amaretto (pud)

…..washed down with ‘Brentino’ by Maculan (red)

If music be the food of love (Big Bill, Twelfth Night)…..

…..then what do you say if food is greater than love…..

…..better than sex !

…..C’mon, Bill…..

…..I need some help here…..

Anyway, I can tell you without hesitation that the greatest

topic of conversation amongst Italians is not

Sex

nor football

nor religion (that was a long time ago)

nor money (unless you are an Italian American)

It’s FOOD !

…..and with good reason

…..because apart from the obvious and the inevitable…..

…..you need to eat to survive and once your playing days

are over don’t expect the equipment to work

Food is simply better here than anywhere else on the planet

…..and in Al Cappello it’s even slightly better than that !

G.

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The Kinky Italian edition

How do you follow a title like that ?

….. ?

…..Err…..with a little English…..

‘You really got me’, The Kinks, 1964

‘All day and all of the night’, The Kinks, 1965

‘I’m not like everybody else’, The Kinks, 1994

‘Do it again’, The Kinks, 1984

So first a little history lesson…..

Italy had a risorgimento during the 19th century….

…..this was not what it sounds like…..

…..not a nationwide orgasm ! NO !

NO !

…..but the unification of many disparate city states

into what we now know as La Dolce Vita (Bella Italia)

The first (of many) problem was to find a language that

everyone could speak…..

…..so Tuscan was adopted…..

…..the language of the nobs from Tuscany as found in

the poetry of Italy’s Shakespeare…..

…..Dante ! ! !

Meanwhile, the ‘Italians’ continued to speak their own distinct

local languages and ‘Italian’ as we know it is what they use

on the tele, the radio and in the classroom

These old languages are now in danger of being ‘lost’ as

Dante’s Italian takes over…..

…..there are 31 endangered languages in Italy…..

…..in danger of extinction ! ! ! ! !

Now there are just two occasions when Italians ALWAYS

revert to their local, historical language…..

Firstly, when they are seriously pissed off

Secondly, in the bedroom

So imagine a Calabrian (south) enjoying relations with a Veneta

(north)

…..at the critical moments neither would have a clue what

the other wanted…..

…..There are certain words / expressions which are universal…..

…..OOOOH

…..AAAHH

…..and of course the moment after the male point of no return

is the same the world over…..

…..NEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR !

Inexplicably, this phenomenon is different depending on the

culture in the female of the species…..

…..suggestions on an e-postcard, please

But in between there are a lot of demands / orders and requests

that have to be learnt in a foreign language…..

…..and a lot of fun and mistakes to be had in the meantime ! !

Ah ha !

Wrong !

Slower ?

Harder !

So let me return briefly to the ‘Sex’ dispensing machines

found everywhere in La Dolce Vita…..

…..there is a new addition to the selection on offer…..

…..’The Durex Inspiration’

This is found as the last item in the machine for purchase…..

…..in a huge box !

…..containing the world’s largest legal vibrator ! ! ! ! !

Trust me…..

…..at first sight of this monster…..

…..a virgin would pass out

…..a mother of six would blanche

…..and a porn star would be looking to increase her fee

substantially !

I don’t get it…..

…..what is the point of producing a product that makes

the average male look like he is hung like a lab rat ! ! ! ! !

Well Kinky is as Kinky does…..

…..anyone one with an odd walk here is proof that Durex

sells SEX or something that passes for a version of it

Bless…..

Bless that Mediterranean love of ……

…..the ‘S’ s

Sun, Sand and Sin

G.

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The Italian One Night Stand edition

The one night stand is practiced all over the world…..

…..and celebrated in music…..

‘December, 1963 (Oh What A Night)’ by Frankie Valli &

The Four Seasons (1975)

Now Frankie’s real name is Francesco Castelluccio and he

was born in the US to Italian immigrants…..

….. so this cat is well placed to sing about short term

love affairs, Italian style

If truth be told there’s actually not a great deal of

difference between the Italian’s approach and that of the

rest of the world…..

…..The essential difference being that the Italian will

ALWAYS say ‘I love you’ and…..

…..those more cautious / reserved / realistic rest-of-the-

worlders will usually say ‘I think I love you’

The logic is pretty clear if you are an Italian…..

…..You tell the girl (or boy) you love them…..

…..UNEQUIVOCALLY…..!

…..and if the girl (or boy) appears to think you are

trying it on…..

…..you just tell them you believe in love at first sight

while you continue to fiddle with their bra clasp…..

The important point is to NEVER hesitate

Now the rest-of-the-worlders have no proper rejoinder to

their counterparties

Basically, if you are not sure you have no where to go except

HOME…..ALONE

Allora (Now in Italian), the great thing about one night

stands is you don’t have to be great…..

…..It’s all in the travelling…..

…..The arriving is when you start leaving ! ! ! ! !

Just try to remember their name since numbers eventually

get confusing !

Another form of one night stand takes place every day of the

year in St Mark’s Square, Venice

Same principle, same everything…..

The ‘Grand Cafes’ are Caffe Florian and Grancaffe Quadri…..

…..both woo the tourist with live ‘elevator’ music

…..both are recommended by every guide book on Venice

ever written

…..both come with a cautionary note regarding cost in

the guide books

…..but like a father warning his daughter against Italian

lotharios, words of warning are often not enough

You see the devil is in the detail (or the small print in

this case)

The menus on display do show the prices but also ‘scream’ at

you that service is included…..

…..so you miss the little footnote that each person has to

pay a 6 euro music charge

So let’s take a theoretical modern family that decides to

take the St Marco plunge and do the tourist thing and take a

seat at one of these establishments…..

…..Father, mother, teenager and two youngsters…..

…..Say a prosecco each for the parents, a coke each for the

youngsters and a cappuccino for the teenager…..

…..Simple

…..Nothing fancy

…..BUT !

…..Hardly a snip at 100 euros

YES…..

…..That’s 100 euros !

It doesn’t feel possible…..

…..but it is !

Budget blown !

Dad never saw the 30 euros music charge coming ! ! !

So the connection between the Italian lover and the Grand

Cafes of St Mark’s Square should be clear…..

…..Neither ever expects to see their conquests again ! !

Whilst there is no known solution to a well-oiled Italian

lothario whispering ‘I love you’ to your daughter / sister

there is actually an answer to the grand larceny perpetrated

by the Grand Cafes…..

…..Just walk over to the Museo Correr

…..nip up the steps to the Cafe Correr

…..sit at one of the window tables looking up St Mark’s

Square to the Basilica…..it is undoubtedly the best view

in the entire world

…..save yourself the saccharine classics being churned out

by bored musicians

…..and all this for about 35 euros

Job done !

G.

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