The Olive Oil edition

Olive oil has been around for a long time and by

a long time, I mean exactly that…..

…..over 8000 years !

The Mediterranean countries have cornered the market

in said product…..

…..and Italy is the second biggest producer in the

whole world

Olive oil and Italians are inextricably interlinked

…..and to say that olive oil is an Italian obsession

would be to understate the reality

Of course, it could have something to do with the

various grades of oil that so excites Italian passions

As you know the word ‘virgin’ features rather a lot…..

…..and the Italians revere the Virgin as both protector

and principal intercessor…..

… other words…..

Protection from enemies, blight and natural disasters while

shuffling around on the mortal coil


A rapid transition to heaven when you have dropped off it ! !

But the word virgin is guaranteed to make the Italian male’s

pulse quicken for more prosaic reasons

For example, when his sister or his daughter returns home from

an evening out, she had better still be one !

On the other hand, if he is the one stepping out with said

sister or daughter he will do his utmost to relieve her of it ! !

Thus making oils with ‘virgin’ in the name is like flicking

the porn channel on and off in terms of stimulating the Italian


Anyway, we have the following grades…..

‘Extra Virgin’


‘Ordinary Virgin’

‘Lampante Virgin’

and finally ‘Refined Olive Oil’

Of course, everyone wants to be ‘Extra Virgin’ but some of

us have to simply settle for being ‘Refined’

Life is a bitch

The bottled product as opposed to the real thing (virgin)

is used for just about everything

Italians cook with it

Italians make dressing out of it

Italians add it neat to almost anything served on a plate

Oh, and when nature lets them down it can come in handy

in the bedchamber !

Don’t worry, there is no danger of the G-man stepping into

T.M.I. territory, you will have to figure the last bit out

for yourself

It’s worth noting that the average Italian doesn’t keep a

small bottle of olive oil in the bedside cabinet or the

glove compartment of the car for that matter…..

NO !

It would be a bit weird

The usual carnal aid is vaseline

Now the English and the Americans use this to counter

chapped lips in the winter months…..

…..the Italians have an entirely different use for it

And a little tin of vaseline in your handbag will raise

some very curious eyebrows…..

Of course, it would be even odder to carry a tiny flask of

olive oil around even if it is that very special liquid

produced by hand picking the olives in order to avoid

bruising them as they fall from the tree to the ground

But said olive oil is the king of olive oil…..

…..and if you ever get the chance to get your hands on

a bottle of this bad boy…..

You will have won the ‘Virgin’ lottery without ever

having risked the ire of a protective male member of the

family ! ! ! ! !

Tanti auguri (Season’s greetings)



The Italian Seduction edition (Part 2)

Alternate title: The art of ‘smash and grab’ in the pursuit of love

Actually, this alternate title is somewhat paradoxical but then this

adjective applies to most men anyway (The old Mars / Venus thing)

So Italian men go to war in search of love…..

…..Again the old Mars / Venus thing ! ! ! ! !

You have to feel sorry for the Italian male…..

…..because he simply can’t take for granted the simple things in

life that men from other races can

For instance, when driving a car and finding himself ‘behind the car

in front’…..

…..the Italian sees a ‘challenge’ and not an ‘obstacle’ and will

risk life and limb (and everybody else’s !) to get past it

In the same way an Italian cannot simply meet a woman and chat

to her

NO !

Because he is MARS !

The god of War and his foe is Venus (the god of love) ! ! !

Old Casanova has a lot to answer for

So every woman (except Mama and his sisters…..

…..and his wife when he marries !)

… also a challenge

…..and if he lives and breathes the chase is on

This leads to some extraordinary exchanges…..

…..and all that follows is true

I really don’t need to make it up ! ! ! ! !

Let’s start with…..

An Italian Man meets an English woman in London and after

the usual preambles tries an unsolicited kiss

‘But I have a boyfriend’ she demurs

Thinking fast the Italian decides to introduce an element

of competition…..

‘And I have a girlfriend’ he counters to confuse her

However, flustered but believing that this settles the

matter in her favour she adds

‘Well, exactly. So there are two reasons why we shouldn’t

be kissing’

Then Guido strikes his master stroke

‘But she means nothing to me and anyway I can’t find a woman

like you in Italy’

Good old Guido

He truly thinks that rubbishing his own partner will weaken

the bond between the English woman and her beau…..

…..and the second claim is laughable

I suppose he really wants her to ask him what he means by

…..’can’t find a woman like you in Italy’…..

…..because then she has opened old lothario’s flood gates

and he can trot out every tried and tested bit of flattery

in the armoury

By the way, Lothario was an invention of Cervantes and so,

technically speaking, he was Spanish and therefore he would

merely count as a poor relation to Casanova…..

…..but Latin lovers / brothers in arms etc etc

Anyway, the G-man is half Italian but he will leave it to the

reader to decide whether he got the ‘seduction gene’ and / or

the ‘car gene’ when the gene pool was mixed and matched in

his mama


The G-man did find love this week (in a manner of speaking)

in a small coffee place called ‘La Fabrique’ just off

Cambridge Circus in London…..

Cardamom bun (it’s a Swedish thing), Americano with hot milk

on the side and industrial chic…..

…..Oh, and a French name…..

No, that last bit beats me but this spot beats any other in

Ol’ Smokey for a coffee break !



The Italian Seduction edition

Seduction is an essential ingredient of the Italian condition

Almost as though there is an extra ‘seduction gene’ that

they got and the rest of us missed out on

The trouble began in the eighteenth century with the birth of

Casanova in 1725 and came to a head in 1740 with the

intervention of two sisters (aged 14 and 16) who provided the

big C with his first sexual experience which turned out to be

a double-header

The jammy bugger ! ! ! ! !

The course of the big C’s life was sealed by this lucky


… he had begun, so he would continue ! ! ! ! !

Before he died in 1798 he wrote his memoirs that ran to 3500

pages and chronicled the conquests of approximately 4261 men

and women ! ! ! ! !

He wasn’t fussy…..

…..any port in a storm !

Basically, his 73 years on this earth was one giant ‘sex fest’

Thus the die was cast…..

…..and every Italian man since has sought to rival the master

Their’s is essentially the ‘Martini’ approach to seduction…

…..’any time, any place, anywhere’

Such as the pick-up artist who plied his trade in the local

spa in Bassangeles…..

Nobody wants to be hit on when you are having your bikini line


…..It’s not cool, Guido ! ! ! ! !

My personal favorite is the experienced practitioner who had

done all the ground work…..

…..the dinner

…..the lunch

…..the references to the rich and famous (Clooney)

…..the hints at an aristocratic background

…..then discreetly popped a viagra pill

…..then claimed a minor ailment requiring the need to rest

while the pill took effect (about an hour)



He moved in for the kill…..

But on this occasion there was clearly nothing doing…..

…..the victim wasn’t succumbing to the tried and tested


Exasperated he put his head in his hands and gave it his

final shot…..

…..’Well, how about it?’ he whispered

‘How about what?’ came the reply

Game over !

I have to admit that the Italian language is definitely

a seduction aid…..

Think about it for a second…..

There is nothing romantic about a Yorkshire man mouthing

‘Cum ‘ere, luv’

On the other hand in Italian…..

‘Vieni qui, amore’

…..whispered into her ear…..

…..has often been successful in producing the desired


So old Casonova has set the bar impossibly high but generations

of Italians since his time have tried to scale the dizzy


Indeed, so ardent is the Italian desire to claim historical

precedent for their ‘amoral’ predispositions that some even

claim it actually goes back to Roman times…..

…..Wrong !

Yes, the Romans did rape and pillage but it would be stretching

incredulity to argue that rape is some kind of…..

… seduction

A last thought…..

It’s a good job seduction is not an Olympic sport because

it would be pretty boring watching Italy take gold, silver and

bronze every four years

So there you have it…..


…..a nation of men ruled by their phalluses

…..and hostage to the memoirs of a dandy from Venice