The Italian Rule edition

Time for a little history lesson

Time was when the Italians ruled the world

The Roman Empire lasted 507 years ending in 476 AD

Not a bad effort on their part, they conquered what we know today

as 54 countries and comprised 1.7 million square miles…..

…..trust the G-man, that’s a lot…..

…..However…..

…..that was then and this is now !

Nowadays, the Italians (the direct descendants) have

trouble running themselves

Moreover, perhaps as a result of this loss of status and RULE…..

…..they treat rules in an idiosyncratic way ! ! !

Back to the schoolroom

Modern Italians believe that…..

Firstly, there are no RULES (you could say that’s rule 1)

Secondly, if one should find one then you break it instantly…..

…..you could say that’s rule 2

So let me illustrate this in two ways…..

…..one in relation to motorised transport

…..the other in relation to fidelity

Take cars…..

In a curious take on the ‘get ahead society’ an Italian…..

…..sees a car in front as an opportunity

…..and not as an obstacle

Firstly, as an opportunity to break any law that says that

for safety reasons overtaking is prohibited…..

…..like a blind corner !

…..like a hill !

Sometimes there’s not even an actual law to ignore…..

…..simply the law of common sense

…..or perhaps the basic desire to live ! ! ! ! !

Take fog (the ‘challenge’ in Italian called ‘la nebbia’)

A simple matter of practically zero visibilty presents the average

Italian with endless slow moving obstacles that have to be passed

Slow moving ?

Well, I was one of them last night because I couldn’t see a sodding

thing ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Italians believe fog lights are unbelievably stupid and annoying…..

‘It makes you think the car in front is breaking’

HELLO !

In an innovative (and perversely stupid twist) on road safety the

Italians have erected (more on erections later) signs that tell

you your speed and then tell you how many points you will get

if you are caught at said speed…..

…..the more you exceed the limit, the more points !

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES !

The Italian mindset is that the faster you go…..

…..Yes, you guessed it

…..the more points you avoid if you don’t get caught ! ! !

HELLO ! !

So to fidelity…..(a sort of moral law)

The Italian men believe it applies to their loyal and endlessly

adoring spouse…..

…..but not to all the other trollops out there who are all prey

HELLO ! ! !

See ‘trollop’, read any woman the Italian male didn’t marry

HELLO ! ! ! !

…..and I mean ANY (except mama and sister)

Oh, and they (the men) are automatically exempt

So La Dolce Vita is a country full of challenges and instead of

rules they have got bureaucracy (and God but he’s fighting a

losing battle)…..

It’s probable they would have been better of sticking to rules ! ! ! ! !

G

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The Sex & The Italian Woman edition

I suppose this post echoes that well known saying…..

…..’Those that can do and those that can’t teach’

Loosely speaking !

So let’s begin right at the top and work down…..

…..step up

…..Monica Bellucci

SCHWING

SCHWING-A-LING

SCHWING-DING

Thank you, ‘Wayne’s World’, 1992

What was Vincent Cassel thinking went he let this babe go in 2013

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Errr…..Branleur of the first order

If you could give SEX a physical description you could use

Monica B as shorthand ! ! ! ! !

So from the sublime to the real world (sorry, Wayne)

Some Italians shimmy from the white (challenge !) wedding

to the…..

…..white marriage !

…..known in Italian as the ‘matrimonio bianco’

…..or simply a marriage without sex (unioni senza sesso)

Easy tiger…..

…..no one is watching your reaction while you read this

It would seem that there exists an element within Italian

womankind that believes that SEX…..

…..is only for procreation in marriage

…..and just for recreation before

Surely the Scandinavians have it the right way round ? ! ? ! ?

They often have their progeny before marriage (say, the first

10 years)

…..then marry

…..then spend the next 40 years trying to win olympic medals for…..

…..ROGERING ! ! ! ! !

The Italians have it arse about face (not a pretty thought if

taken literally)

…..Take, for example, the family planning device known as

‘Personal’

This little hand-held computer device will tell the woman the

safe days to have sex…..

…..GREEN !

and warn the user to avoid sex on the non-safe days…..

…..RED !

Oh, and there is also YELLOW which is a bit like ‘lucky dip’…..

…..you might and you might not end up in the club

‘SIMPLES’, Jay, ‘The Inbetweeners’, 2008-2010

BUT Italian (married) women use it to predict those days

when they should encourage the old man to saddle up in

order to procreate…..

…..on other days an unexplainable migraine intervenes

Little wonder many Italian men have a reputation for

philandering…..

…..if the old girl indoors has closed up shop…..

…..there’s plenty more fish in the sea for the sharp fisherman

However, there is a ruse often deployed to avoid this not infrequent

and inconvenient truth…..

…..Said wives feed said spouses with untold quantities of pasta and

other assorted culinary goodies while assuring ‘her master’ (sic) that

his expanding girth spells out his importance and success on the

world’s stage…..(never mind that he may only be a maths teacher !)

…..never mind that he hasn’t seen his penis for a decade ! ! ! ! !

I should also add that I have outlined the two extremes…..

…..and that there are many shades in between…..

…..I should also remind you that Monica B is single and on the

prowl

GOOD LUCK (sorry, I believe Bond has beaten you to it)

G

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