The Hunter edition

Not everything in life turns out as planned…..

…..or as expected

Remember Jack Lemmon in ‘Some Like It Hot’ ?

This is Billy Wilder’s 1959 classic comedy…..

…..with the funniest last line of any film, ever…..

…..”Well, nobody’s perfect” says Lemmon’s paramour,

Osgood, when Lemmon reveals he’s actually a man

Anyway, on Sunday the G-strings on the old ticker began

to flutter wildly…..

…..when he learnt that the ‘Miss Biker’ motorcycle club

was about to pitch up in the town square in Bassangeles

YES, ‘Miss Biker’ ! ! ! ! !

YES, Biker Babes ! ! ! !

YES, Babes with big throbbing things between their legs !

Oh my ! ! ! ! !

This is a girls only club

These were big bikes

The bikes roared into the town square

The girls revved their cycles

This was real, hot blooded, noisy excitement

The G-man’s imagination was working overtime…..

…..Bridget Bardot-esque

…..Jane Fonda-esque

…..Ursula Andress-esque

…..These babes were fully togged out in leather

One lap round the square and then they all pulled over

and parked up…..

…..dismounted…..

…..and took off their skid lids

OH NO ! ! ! !

BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY ! ! ! !

This was not as dreamt in the old…..

…..ima-G-ination…..

…..there were various hair colour shades like…..

…..PINK !

…..MAUVE !

…..GREEN !

…..ETC !

…..CROPPED SHORT !

The only exercise these girls got was filling up

their tanks…..

…..You have probably rumbled this sorry lot by now…..

…..They were not biker babes at all…..

…..They were sapphists

…..amphieroticists

…..fricatrices

…..They were not interested in the G-ster…..

…..or his ilk

CRASHED and BURNED ! ! ! ! !

They were girl hunters !

I have nothing against ladies of different persuasions

…..I just hate my fantasies being exploded

…..Publicly ! ! !

So to male hunters…..

So to Italian male hunters…..

So to Italian male bird hunters…..

…..they do it with decoys !

I went to old Angelo’s today for a glass of vino and

spied his man-cave…..

…..’What do you keep in there’ I enquired

‘Birds’ he answered…..

…..Feathered ones ! (he is 85)

So I took a butchers and lo and behold there were

cages and cages of birds…..

…..Song Thrushes

…..Black Birds

…..etc  etc

Old Angelo puts out his decoys…..

…..hides in a hide twenty metres away

…..then blows the little feathered friends to oblivion

When he has about thirty he packs up

Goes home

De-feathers them

Puts them on a giant skewer (spiedo) whole

And a little later it’s spit-roasted birdies all round

YUM YUM

or NOT

I still think I prefer my (birdies) chicken from Sainsburys !

G

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The Love In A Catholic Climate edition

La Dolce Vita is obviously the headquarters

of the left footers

More precisely the independent Vatican State

….. a country within a country…..

So Italy is on the surface God-fearing…..

…..Papal-observing

….. but a veritable nest of contradictions ! ! !

Because bang in the centre of Bassangeles is the

largest 24 hour condom dispenser in the world !

At night it is lit up like a beacon summoning the old

and the young, the male and the female to buy the

old ‘willy wellies’ ! ! ! ! !

Now said rubbery thingies are available in every

chemist…..

……and in Italia there is a pharmacia every 100 metres

What’s more…..!

They don’t ask you for your proof of age

They also don’t ask you if you have your mum’s permission

They just don’t give you credit till you are old enough to

get a job and pay for them yourself

So WHY are we stuffed full of these unusual vending machines ?

GUILT ! ? ! ?

This is the only answer the G-man can come up with

It’s a small town…..

…..everyone knows everyone…..

…..and people talk !

The enormous machine in question sells the following items

in the following order…..

CONDOMS

CONDOMS XL (Maybe those vacuum devices do work)

GEL (Don’t ask)

STIMULATING GEL (I have no idea)

HEADACHE TABLETS

EYEWASH

INDIGESTION TABLETS

TAMPAX (it’s a reassurance thing that the johnnies will work)

Surely the batting order is all wrong !

Shouldn’t it be…..

HEADACHE TABLETS / INDIGESTION TABLETS / EYEWASH

GEL / STIMULATING GEL

CONDOMS

TAMPAX

At least the chosen brand is DUREX

So 60 million Italians are putting their faith in good old

British rubber

I suppose once purchased said goods are then kept in

a handy place for use in the future…..

NO !

…..not the bedside cabinet

THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT ! ! ! ! ! !

Don’t you just love what hormones make us do ?

Alternatively, you could try the following method of birth

control

TRIPPA (tripe to you)

The G-ster has always maintained he would eat anything

EXCEPT TRIPE

However, the G-man lives by the rule that you should try

everything once

So last night at ‘Ai Canfini’ in Molvena when he was presented

with a plate of pasta that wasn’t pasta he was posed with a

problem

TO DO OR DIE ? ? ?

He dived…………………..

Actually, it tasted pretty good…..

…..it is just that you can’t banish from your mind that you are

actually eating a sheep’s stomach lining ! ! !

So problem solved in one…..

…..if you want to avoid an unwanted pregnancy just eat a plate

of ‘trippa nel pomodori’

I guarantee you won’t feel like doing anything naughty afterwards

…..or for that matter…..

…..kissing anyone who has…..

…..eaten trippa !

G

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The Bacchus edition

When the G-ster comes back in the next life…..

…..assuming there is a next life…..

…..and assuming he makes the cut !

BACK ! ! ! ! !    You DEVIL  ! ! ! ! !

I’m booking my return as Bacchus

WHY ?  ?  ?

Well let me explain…..

Time for a little history lesson

Bacchus (or Dionysus if you are Greek) was

quite simply the luckiest devil of all the gods

You see he was the god of…..

Wine…..check

Ritual madness…..check

Pleasure…..check

Festivity…..check

Accompanied by a posse of wild women (known as

Mainades)…..check

Accompanied by a troop of bearded Satyrs (with

enormous erect penises)…..check

A quick explanation is called for here

The Satyrs were his guards…..

…..you messed with Bacchus or his Mainades and you

risked being clubbed to death by a giant penis ! ! ! ! !

Not a good exit !

Anyway, the big B was basically the god of good times

CHECK

DOUBLE CHECK

CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK !

So after a week’s worth of learning the wine making

tradition in Tuscany it’s nearly time for the G-man to

head north to Bassangeles complete with wine-swag

Viticulture Rules…..

…..as long as Bacchus has got your back

Last night was a little hairy…..

…..One can but hope

…..Dinner was in a little hilltop restaurant called…..

…..Le Merlaie (di Sandro e Tatiana) and situated

just outside Civitella Marittima

I plumped for the risotto agrumi

This is risotto flavoured with oranges and lemons and

served with scampi and prawns

Sounds odd, I know

Tastes delicious, rest assured

The hairy bit followed…..

The G-man went for the Crema Catalana

A little later Tatiana scooted over with a dish that was

ablaze

Sensibly, I leaned back in my chair

The blaze roared on

Then I thought I would warm my hands a little

Still the blaze blazed on

About a minute ticked by and finally I thought

Maybe, just maybe…..

…..I’m meant to blow the thing out !

I gave the tabletop inferno a little blow

It simply made the flames leap higher

By now other diners were watching the helpless

G-man

Quietly amused

So feeling properly foolish I took a mighty big

puff and blew the thing out

JUST

Not even a round of applause

I think the brandy is meant to brown the top of the

Crema Catalana

Mine was still sitting under a few millimetres of brandy

Reckon old Tatiana’s hand must have slipped when she

was pouring on the liquor

Bless her

She might have given me a blow to help put

the thing out  ! ! ! ! !

Bacchus Reborn !

G (I mean)

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The Hot Date With Florence edition

groovers offside

Sunday rolled round and suddenly it was time to down

tools and take the autostrada north…..

…..Because the good Lord said so…..

…..Well, the bit about downing tools, at least

Cresting the hill, Firenze hove into sight

It is not hard to see why so many, for so many years

have wanted to possess her

First stop after a long drive was a pit stop at Procacci

This extraordinary spot (sosta) specialises in little

black truffle rolls (panini tartufati) and fine wines

And it should know what it’s doing since it’s been at it

since 1885 ! ! ! ! !

Check it out…..

http://www.procacci1885.it

Oh, and Procacci is owned by one of Italy’s greatest wine

producers…..

http://www.antinori.it

The wine actually was all that !

So with G-man suitably refreshed it was off for a little culture

He walked round the corner and strode into…..

…..Chiesa di Orsanmichele…..

…..and his…

View original post 324 more words

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The Hot Date With Florence edition

Sunday rolled round and suddenly it was time to down

tools and take the autostrada north…..

…..Because the good Lord said so…..

…..Well, the bit about downing tools, at least

Cresting the hill, Firenze hove into sight

It is not hard to see why so many, for so many years

have wanted to possess her

First stop after a long drive was a pit stop at Procacci

This extraordinary spot (sosta) specialises in little

black truffle rolls (panini tartufati) and fine wines

And it should know what it’s doing since it’s been at it

since 1885 ! ! ! ! !

Check it out…..

http://www.procacci1885.it

Oh, and Procacci is owned by one of Italy’s greatest wine

producers…..

http://www.antinori.it

The wine actually was all that !

So with G-man suitably refreshed it was off for a little culture

He walked round the corner and strode into…..

…..Chiesa di Orsanmichele…..

…..and his jaw dropped open !

…..his heart skipped a beat !

This Gothic Italian masterpiece can’t be described…..

…..or appreciated in a photograph…..

Break open the piggy bank !

Rob your granny !

Max out the credit card !

Just get there and marvel

It is a hit parade of the great Renaissance sculptors

and painters

You will also have the pleasure of witnessing how some

lucky Italians make their (well-pensioned) livings…..

…..because lurking in the pews is…..

…..GINO ! ! ! ! !

Gino speaks very good Italian (unsurprisingly)

…..and TWO OTHER words in all the other languages in

the world

…..Which is uses in a deafening (and heavily accented)

and thunderous bellow every couples of minutes

…..NO FLASH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

This munchkin gets £27000 a year to say

…..NO FLASH…..

…..200 times a day

…..And he doesn’t even bother to get out of the pew

Some of us had to work for a living !

…..Present company excluded ! ! ! ! !

…..The G-man was a professional thief in his former life !

Then to Il Duomo…..the cathedral

It is crowned by what is still the largest stone and brick

built dome in the history of the world

BUT…..

…..It was constructed 600 years ago

…..And nobody can work out all the details of how Pippo

Brunelleschi dunnit   ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Finally, when all the foreplay has run its course…..

…..Drive up to Piazzale Michelangelo where you can look

out over Florence from a hilltop (Florence is in a bowl

surrounded by the Tuscan hills)

There you will see one of mankinds greatest manmade vistas

NO…..not the Manhattan skyline

NO…..not Paris seen from Montmartre

Florence…..flooded by the evening light looking as though

heaven has an anteroom on earth

How was that for a hot date ? ? ? ? ?

G.

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The Love Lesson edition

groovers offside

This post might not be about what you think !

It’s actually about pigeage

No, this is not some sick fraternity game played out

by hubristic American male students

Actually, it’s about the absence of pigeage

You see, the G-man has pitched up in Tuscany to learn

more about one of life’s great pleasures

No, not that !

Wine

He figured he drank enough of the stuff, it was time to

find out more about it

True, his hopes of seeing exotic Italian women trampling

the juice out of the grapes was slim from the get go

Can you imagine Sophia Loren or Monica Bellucci holding

up their skirts while their feet get funky with the ‘uva’

Well one can but dream

Reality would more likely have been Lucille Ball ! ! !

Remember the 1956 episode of ‘I Love Lucy’ in which

she gets in an enormous vat of…

View original post 226 more words

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The Love Lesson edition

This post might not be about what you think !

It’s actually about pigeage

No, this is not some sick fraternity game played out

by hubristic American male students

Actually, it’s about the absence of pigeage

You see, the G-man has pitched up in Tuscany to learn

more about one of life’s great pleasures

No, not that !

Wine

He figured he drank enough of the stuff, it was time to

find out more about it

True, his hopes of seeing exotic Italian women trampling

the juice out of the grapes was slim from the get go

Can you imagine Sophia Loren or Monica Bellucci holding

up their skirts while their feet get funky with the ‘uva’

Well one can but dream

Reality would more likely have been Lucille Ball ! ! !

Remember the 1956 episode of ‘I Love Lucy’ in which

she gets in an enormous vat of grapes ? ? ?

Me neither ! ! !

But you can youtube it under ‘Lucy’s Italian Movie’

It is truly funny

Anyway, no Lucy, no Sophia and no Monica

Just an evil-looking machine called a pigatrice that does

the work of three hundred Italian babes in about three seconds

This arm-mangling contraption must have featured in some

of the Mafia’s more extreme moments of persuasion

So all his romantic notions of plucking the juicy berries from

the vine under the Tuscan sun and waving a magic wand

over them to miraculously turn them into the sweet nectar

…..ARE DEAD !

This was hard, dirty, backbreaking work

The G-ster slept for twelve hours last night

TWELVE ! ! ! ! !

And this was without the benefit of copious amounts of

alcohol and a marathon session of ‘etc etc etc’ ! ! ! ! !

Just simply bolloxed

Back to the love aspect of this post…..

Dinner was a veal steak cooked in the raked out embers

of a real Tuscan fire…..

I’m lying

The meat was momentarily wafted over the embers and

delivered rare to the G-man’s plate !

This was then washed down by a 1996 Taurasi and a 2002

Morellino dI Scansano

Died ?

I’m in HEAVEN…..

…..or PARADISO as they prefer to call it round here !

I’m definitely in LOVE

G.

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