The Vaseline edition

It is often said that some things simply deserve

to be written

This is one of them !

As the title suggests it is going to concern the

efficacy and varied uses of vaseline

With the London marathon but a few days away the

chemists round the country will be doing a roaring

trade in the stuff

Reason ?

Simple really

If you are going to haul your sorry carcass 26.2

miles (42.2 K) in one go you need more than a

pair of good running shoes…..

… least if you have gotten used to owning

a pair of nipples ! ! ! ! !

Confused ?

Don’t be

You see if you run / walk / crawl 42.2 K without

suitable protection for said erogenous zones…..

… won’t have them when you finish ! ! ! ! !

Rubbed off !

Gone !

Poof !

Your days as a wet T-shirt competitor over !

So marathon participants lube up the popular little


And not just the old nips ! ! ! !

To ward off painful chafing between the thighs and

the underarms as well

You get the picture

Of course, there are some folk who have discovered

that vaseline comes in useful in their love lives…


Easy tiger !

And, unusually some have discovered it comes in

useful as a means of revenge

Yes, REVENGE ! ! !

The G-man knows a young mother and her young son who

have an annoying dad

Said annoying dad is in the habit of applying vaseline

to his lips each day as part of his ablutionary routine

One day…..

…..Trust me, you couldn’t make this up…..

…..Mum had to put her finger in her son’s bum…..

…..Then spying dad’s open jar of vaseline she poked

her finger in it

…..Then for good measure…..

…..she reached round and performed the same task on


…..then poked her finger in dad’s vaseline again

To this day this remains mum and son’s little secret

Every day when dad appears with glistening lips mum

and son glance knowingly at each other…..

…..and inwardly grin…..

…..probably howl with laughter…..

The G-ster knows one lady who goes to work with a smile

on her face every day !

That’s it !

No food, no drink this time

I’m in purdah (exams in a month’s time)

Monks get more action than me ! ! ! ! !



The Sea of Penises edition

Alternate title: The Sea of Penii edition

The plural of said noun takes two equally usable forms

Anyway, I digress…..

As the saying goes…..

…..a funny thing happened on the way…..

… lunch in this instance

At ‘Al Pioppeto’ in Romano d’Ezzelino

This is actually a very good restaurant with a fine

reputation behind it…..

…..although in a curiously quirky twist, the owner

has refused to update the 70s interior decor…..

…..everything else has had a makeover

…..including the beautiful gardens (more on this in

a moment)

…..but his beloved 70s interior is inviolate

Too bad…..

…..because the 70s were no great period in design

history like the Belle Epoque in Paris around 1900

The food on the other hand is outstanding !

And that’s what keeps the punters rolling in !

It’s white asparagus season at the moment…..

…..that time of the year when the Bassanese go

weak at the knees at the sight of pointy objects

sprouting out of the ground

‘Risotto agli asparagi followed by uove Bismark’

… other words…..

Asparagus risotto and asparagus and fried eggs

Thank goodness that when everything else begins to

fail on one’s person…..

…..the eating gear is usually the last to go ! ! !

Now we can cut to the chase and reveal the story

behind the title of this post

As I ambled up the path from the car park to the

door of the restaurant with the No 3 G-ette I did

a double take

NO !

What the hell ? ! ?

It can’t be

Ahead of me were white penises !

HUGE ONES ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Two to three feet high

Single ones !

Pairs of penises ! !

Clumps of penises ! ! ! ! !

My mind raced…..

The white vertical phalli were all over the pristine

green grass

Think fast, G-meister ! ! !

As I was about to cover the eyes of the tender G-ette

…..the truth dawned !

It was a sculpture park !

…..featuring the celebrated white asparagus

…..which to the untrained (and unwary) eye

…..look just like a penophiliac’s idea of heaven

Bless the Bassanese

You have to wonder how many titters they have caused

over the years


ps, There is no such thing as a penophiliac but ‘moisture

and heat seeking venomous throbbing python of love’ lover

seemed a bit long winded so I made it up !