The Cold edition

groovers offside

….Alternate title: The Blue edition…..

No !

This is not about XXX-rated movies…..

…..or less than enthusiastic playmates !

It’s because…..

…..that’s the colour the G-man turned this week !

Giulietta pulled into the G-drive late on Sunday night

after a 13 hour, 1000 mile glide from Bella Italia…..

Bless…..

She didn’t miss a beat

It was good to be home

Ahhhhh

Hold on !

Why was the temperature within the same as the temperature

without ? ? ? ? ?

Answer: No heating

Reason: No gas

DISCONNECTED

Reason: upgrading the network

Ahhhhh

The Groover is not a bloody eskimo

He needs warmth…..

…..warm things…..

…..warm feelings…..

RADIATORS !

HEATING !

GAS FOR COOKING !

The long and short of it was that after…..

…..3 days

…..and 3 nights

He was reconnected

So let’s recap…..

That’s 3 nights shivering in bed

That’s 3 days shivering round the G-casa

That’s 3 nights…

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The Cold edition

….Alternate title: The Blue edition…..

No !

This is not about XXX-rated movies…..

…..or less than enthusiastic playmates !

It’s because…..

…..that’s the colour the G-man turned this week !

Giulietta pulled into the G-drive late on Sunday night

after a 13 hour, 1000 mile glide from Bella Italia…..

Bless…..

She didn’t miss a beat

It was good to be home

Ahhhhh

Hold on !

Why was the temperature within the same as the temperature

without ? ? ? ? ?

Answer: No heating

Reason: No gas

DISCONNECTED

Reason: upgrading the network

Ahhhhh

The Groover is not a bloody eskimo

He needs warmth…..

…..warm things…..

…..warm feelings…..

RADIATORS !

HEATING !

GAS FOR COOKING !

The long and short of it was that after…..

…..3 days

…..and 3 nights

He was reconnected

So let’s recap…..

That’s 3 nights shivering in bed

That’s 3 days shivering round the G-casa

That’s 3 nights he had to go to a restaurant to eat out

That’s 3 days he couldn’t go out (the gas operatives needed

access to the G-casa)

That’s 3 days of broken promises from the gas operatives

That’s a driveway that has been dug up everywhere in search

of gas pipes

So !

So believing that the principle of quid pro quo still might

mean something…..

The G-man called SGN (Southern Gas Networks)

http://www.sgn.co.uk

…..and asked about compensation

Oh yes ! ! ! ! !      the operative exclaimed !

We do  !

JUSTICE    I thought

WRONG

We (SGN) will pay £30 for every full day without gas…..

…..after the first day

So 3 days of misery equates to just 2 x £30 = £60

NICE

If I go overdrawn at the bank by £1 a computer generates

a letter to tell me…..

…..the cost is £40 for this invaluable information

You see the point ?

Worse still…..

…..I don’t get the £60 directly…..

…..it’s passed to my gas supplier (First Utility) as a credit

…..because they have been out of pocket because I have

not been able to buy gas from them for 3 days ! ! ! ! !

HELP !

One business looking after another business….

….at the expense of the customer

If I wish to  talk to them there is a helpful 0845 number

to call…..

…..so they make money even when they f*ck up

Bring on the revolution

In the meantime…..

Go on youtube

…..and listen to Bobbie Smith and the Dream Girls

singing ‘Walk on into my heart’

Heaven on a slice of vinyl

G.

 

 

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The San Valentino Special edition

groovers offside

The cunning linguists amongst you will have realised

that St Valentine was actually an Italian…..

…..and that’s about all that’s known about him ! …..

…..The Roman Catholic Church has delisted him as

an official Saint…..

…..and the French have (mis) appropriated him in the

‘La Fete du Baiser’ (the festival of kissing) that is

celebrated on the first Saturday after the 14th

In the French version men and women dress up as

priests and nuns and go around kissing each other

as well as strangers…..

…..a case of theatre reflecting life ! ! ! ! !

The G-man is (self) indulging in full immersion therapy

in La Dolce Vita but can’t help noticing that the Italians

have gone Valentine-mad…..

…..every shop window is red with hearts

Now I can understand why this might work in an

underwear shop (Intimissimi)…..

…..or perhaps a sparkly shop (Swarovski)…..

…..but you won’t win many…

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The San Valentino Special edition

The cunning linguists amongst you will have realised

that St Valentine was actually an Italian…..

…..and that’s about all that’s known about him ! …..

…..The Roman Catholic Church has delisted him as

an official Saint…..

…..and the French have (mis) appropriated him in the

‘La Fete du Baiser’ (the festival of kissing) that is

celebrated on the first Saturday after the 14th

In the French version men and women dress up as

priests and nuns and go around kissing each other

as well as strangers…..

…..a case of theatre reflecting life ! ! ! ! !

The G-man is (self) indulging in full immersion therapy

in La Dolce Vita but can’t help noticing that the Italians

have gone Valentine-mad…..

…..every shop window is red with hearts

Now I can understand why this might work in an

underwear shop (Intimissimi)…..

…..or perhaps a sparkly shop (Swarovski)…..

…..but you won’t win many brownie points if you hand

over a new saucepan tomorrow morning ! ! ! ! !

…..Or…..

…..Perhaps…..

I’m wrong !

Maybe if the little lady unwraps a shiny new pan she

will breathe a sigh of relief ! ! ! ! !

? ? ? ? ?

Since the expectation of her for his largesse may be no

more than a boiled egg !

Relief !

She can put her false teeth back in and head towards

the kitchen

Bless

I would be happy to consign Valentine’s day to the…..

…..Ministry of Love

…..specifically Room 101 (1949, ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’)

Valentine’s has become spoilt by over-commercialisation

So whilst it’s not exactly an Orwellian nightmare it is

completely tainted

Bugger !

Tomorrow night is said day (Valentine’s) and…..

…..all the Groover wanted to do was enjoy a quiet meal

in his favourite restaurant before mounting Giulietta for

the 1000-mile trip back to Blighty on Sunday

Instead, the restaurant (Trevisani) will be chock-full of

earnest men (of all vintages) going through the motions whilst

the little lady encourages him to have another glass or two

or three because she insists she will drive home…..

…..Fingers crossed !

…..Incrociamo ! (as they say here)

Che struggimento ! (as they say here)

What misery ! (as we say in Blighty)

G.

 

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The Cocktail edition

groovers offside

Alternate title: The Lux edition

The G-man leapt to his feet at the end of his Gothic lecture

last night and then hot-tubed it to Bond Street for…..

Sotheby’s Impressionist and Modern Art preview

The sale is today

Art collecting is the ultimate status symbol nowadays

Whereas anyone with £250,000 to spare can buy a Bentley

There will only be one lucky owner of Monet’s…………..

Le Grand Canal (English translation: The Grand Canal)…..

…..a view of a couple of gondolas bobbing around in Venice

That is……..

…..if you can outbid all the other hopefuls…..

…..Oh, and you have the little matter of £20,000,000 to

£30,000,000 (estimate) to pay for it

On top of which you have to tip Sotheby’s between £2,400,000

and £3,600,000 for the privilege of letting you buy it

Sotheby’s call this tip ‘the buyer’s premium’

No ?

Then what about a little bit of sapphic splendour ?

View original post 319 more words

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The Cocktail edition

Alternate title: The Lux edition

The G-man leapt to his feet at the end of his Gothic lecture

last night and then hot-tubed it to Bond Street for…..

Sotheby’s Impressionist and Modern Art preview

The sale is today

Art collecting is the ultimate status symbol nowadays

Whereas anyone with £250,000 to spare can buy a Bentley

There will only be one lucky owner of Monet’s…………..

Le Grand Canal (English translation: The Grand Canal)…..

…..a view of a couple of gondolas bobbing around in Venice

That is……..

…..if you can outbid all the other hopefuls…..

…..Oh, and you have the little matter of £20,000,000 to

£30,000,000 (estimate) to pay for it

On top of which you have to tip Sotheby’s between £2,400,000

and £3,600,000 for the privilege of letting you buy it

Sotheby’s call this tip ‘the buyer’s premium’

No ?

Then what about a little bit of sapphic splendour ?

Toulouse Lautrec’s ‘Au lit: Le baiser’ ( In bed: The kiss)

Two birds having a tonsil tickle and a snip at £9-12 million…..

Oh…..and plus Sotheby’s little matter of that tip

It was all very impressive…..

…..and there is a secret thrill to knowing that when people

look at you they think you might be the collector who will

buy one of these masterpieces today…..

…..in other words…..

YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN GOD !

Now, of course, most of the people there were there for the

glamorous night out…..

Ruinart champagne

Exotic cocktails (with flowers floating on top)

Canapes

All served up by the most beautiful boys and girls you have

ever seen………dozens of them ! ! ! ! !

Boys in dinner jackets and girls in LBDs

So if you ever wondered what models do between jobs ? ? ?

Now you know !

But it is a little unnerving when you walk in to be greeted

like an old friend by a couple of these model types…..

…..all glossy hair and cheesy smiles

No ! You don’t know me…..

…..but I understand someone is paying you to pretend you do

And anyway, I might have £30,000,000 to blow on a Monet so

I am worth sucking up to ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

All this lush life put him in the mood…..

From there the G-man shimmied down the road to Dukes Bar

in Dukes Hotel for London’s best cocktail…..

…..and the very best martini in the universe ! ! ! ! !

…..served by Alessandro direct from La Dolce Vita…..

…..complete with white jacket and bald head…..

It was just like being in a Bond movie ! ! ! ! !

Finally the fun had to come to an end…..

A little drunk…..

Definitely jolly…..

Possibly veering towards the fringes of libidinous…..

…..the G-man caught the 36 bus and went home !

G.

 

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