The Paradise Lost and Found edition

The epic poem by John Milton was first published

in 1667…..

…..is about lost happiness and lasting pain

…..and as a tender fifteen year old the G-man can

vividly recall the pain he felt in having to study

it at school for his ‘O’ Level in English Lit.

It still hurts !

Anyway, the G-man awoke this morning in Paradiso

around 6.30am for a ‘comfort break’

Passing through the kitchen to the bathroom his eye

caught sight of something out of the window

He stopped !

He stared !

It was a woman leaning over a balcony and facing

the courtyard down below

Alarmed !

She was rocking back and forth

The G-man thought she must be being sick

But nothing was spraying out of her mouth into the

courtyard thirty feet below

Confused ?

I certainly was !

Through the double glazed and closed windows he

could hear a faint groaning sound

This was different from the wretched, anguished

sound of people puking

Then adjusting his position slightly the G-man

could see his neighbour, the boyfriend behind her

There was a sudden moment of clarity ! ! ! ! !

Paradiso despoiled !

Embarrassed !

Strange to be embarrassed in your own home

I moved swiftly to the bathroom before returning

to bed without flushing

And averting my gaze as I passed the window

Manners maketh the man

Apparently !

In flagrante delicto ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

The flip side is that last night the G-man dined at

da Paradiso

http://www.agriturismodaparadiso.it

This wonderful country restaurant was worth all the

trouble it took to find it…..

…..down a rutted track with pot holes the size of

basket balls

Giulietta was not happy

A plate of tagliatelle with porcini that was the true

meaning of the expression ‘heaven on a plate’

And it kept on keeping on getting better

Spezzatino with porcini to follow (beef stew)

Well I was happy

Giulietta was grumbling at the thought of the return

journey

A simple case of Paradise restored for the G-man

G.

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The Stop Thief edition

groovers offside

Alternate title: Spot the criminal edition

The G-man and Giulietta and friends were cruising back

from Padua a couple of days ago at 10.30pm at night…..

…..when a waving torch indicated that we had to pull

over

Being the law abiding sort we duly complied…..

…..to be greeted by three federales replete with guns

These were the Polizia Locale here in Italy…..

…..a generally low grade commission for under-achievers

The G-man tried a faint smile…..

…..and failed spectacularly !

In Italian he blasted me with ‘you were going over a

HUNDRED ! ! ! ! !’

Giulietta smirked, which didn’t help matters

Then switching to English he used a very well

rehearsed line…..

You pay Euro 450 or we take your car

Giulietta flinched visibly

She didn’t want to be parted from the Groover any more

than the G-man wanted to lose his true love

This was serious…..

Realising that…

View original post 289 more words

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The Stop Thief edition

Alternate title: Spot the criminal edition

The G-man and Giulietta and friends were cruising back

from Padua a couple of days ago at 10.30pm at night…..

…..when a waving torch indicated that we had to pull

over

Being the law abiding sort we duly complied…..

…..to be greeted by three federales replete with guns

These were the Polizia Locale here in Italy…..

…..a generally low grade commission for under-achievers

The G-man tried a faint smile…..

…..and failed spectacularly !

In Italian he blasted me with ‘you were going over a

HUNDRED ! ! ! ! !’

Giulietta smirked, which didn’t help matters

Then switching to English he used a very well

rehearsed line…..

You pay Euro 450 or we take your car

Giulietta flinched visibly

She didn’t want to be parted from the Groover any more

than the G-man wanted to lose his true love

This was serious…..

Realising that something needed to be done I climbed

out of the car

Driving licence, they demanded

Ownership documents, they ordered

450 Euros, they insisted

The prognosis didn’t look good…..

…..especially when they uttered their only other word

of English…..

CASH !

Remember the expression…..?

Think fast !

It didn’t work ! !

Probably something to do with the time of day and

the wine consumed through a long dinner in Montagnana

Quick recap of the situation…..

There were three of them

They wore blue uniforms

They all carried guns

They had a police van and two police cars

And between them they had nine brain cells ! ! ! ! !

Three of which were on holiday

Three of which were asleep

And three of which were dying

WHY IS THE FINE SO HIGH ?

THIS CAN NOT BE RIGHT !

This was said clearly and firmly and in the G-man’s

best Italian

Then I returned to a concerned Giulietta and two very

disturbed friends

After a short wait the protagonists returned…..

‘You pay Euro 156.80 now in cash or we take your car’

Well, that was somewhat better than the original Euro 450

It was late, I was tired and I wanted to go to bed

I dropped Euros 157 on the desk in the police van and….

…..Yes, I did do just what you would expect me to do

I told them to keep the change ! ! ! ! !

Bugger them !

Someone broke the law that night

Can you tell who ?

G.

ps Apparently speeding fines double after midnight here

because it is deemed to be more dangerous to drive fast

on empty roads

Is Italy a third world country ? You decide !

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The Rules of Attraction edition

groovers offside

This was the title of a good book by Bret Easton Ellis first

published in 1987…..

…..and made into a bad film in 2002

Now attraction can mean different things to different folks

Take, for instance, the revellers that congregated at the

G-casa last weekend…..

The men folk never moved far from the barrel of Goody’s

real ale (called ‘Goodness gracious me’, 4.8% abv)

They were attracted like moths to a flame, unwittingly

never letting said barrel out of their sight

The women folk congregated with each other probably hoping that

the amber nectar would be somniferous enough to render the

imbibers capable only of stacking up ZZZZZZZZZZZZZs

A mere 48 hours later and Giulietta and the G-man were whooshing

down the autobahn to Wurzburg where the G-meister encountered

the wrong kind of attention…..

After 500 miles of driving dinner was the order of the day and the

G-man hove over into the brauerei-gasthof ‘Alter…

View original post 330 more words

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The Rules of Attraction edition

This was the title of a good book by Bret Easton Ellis first

published in 1987…..

…..and made into a bad film in 2002

Now attraction can mean different things to different folks

Take, for instance, the revellers that congregated at the

G-casa last weekend…..

The men folk never moved far from the barrel of Goody’s

real ale (called ‘Goodness gracious me’, 4.8% abv)

They were attracted like moths to a flame, unwittingly

never letting said barrel out of their sight

The women folk congregated with each other probably hoping that

the amber nectar would be somniferous enough to render the

imbibers capable only of stacking up ZZZZZZZZZZZZZs

A mere 48 hours later and Giulietta and the G-man were whooshing

down the autobahn to Wurzburg where the G-meister encountered

the wrong kind of attention…..

After 500 miles of driving dinner was the order of the day and the

G-man hove over into the brauerei-gasthof ‘Alter Kranen’

http://www.alterkranen.de

Very nice it is too…..

…..also very empty at 6pm

There was a blonde and a brunette sitting at the bar…..

…..and one very eager waiter

…..actually one very camp and eager waiter !

Now his enthusiasm could have been because it was his

first day or because he works for tips (trinkgeld in German)

and the other possibility is so remote it’s not worth mentioning

That said…..

…..it was still a little unnerving being fawned over by a camp

German wearing lederhosen and a red check shirt

Bless him !

But hats off to the German genius who designed the traditional

female version of the restaurant operative’s working attire…..

…..you remember said brunette and blonde propping up the bar ?

A little later they were suitably folk dress attired and the mind

began to boggle

Who would of thought of building into this rustic uniform a

push-up bra ?

Answer…..a crafty kraut a few hundred years ago

True genius !

If Hitler had won the war eating out would have been a richer

experience for it…..

…..it’s just everything else would have been shit ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

The Groover left very happy and very stuffed, Germans serve

enormous portions (the ‘Most soup’ was spectacular, it’s made

from the local white franconian wine)

Anyway, enormous portions leads to enormous diners…..

…..and I realised that there are two types of Germans

There are the world cup winning tall, lean and athletic ones…..

…..and there are the rest !

And if you ever needed proof that God has a sense of humour

this second group of Germans can provide it

The male reproductive organ is a silly little thing at the best

of times…..

…..but attached to an overgrown German it looks like little

more than a worm

As the saying goes…..

‘If you want to look like you have a big willy, either lose weight

or get a very small girlfriend’

Bless them all

G.

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