The Hitler edition

We don’t have very much to thank old Adolf for…..

But we do have the German autobahns….

13000 kilometres worth of them !

Not the longest network on the planet (China) but the densest

If only ‘Dolfie’ had spent less time on his failed attempt at world

domination and more time on teaching Germans how to drive !

Just because you go fast doesn’t automatically make you a


…..and anyway, Schumacher occasionally bumped into things

Both in and out of a car  ! ! ! ! ! 

The G.-man and his girl (Giulietta) have just whooshed back

through Germany to Blighty

However, our progress was impeded by two major traffic accidents

The Huns have a perfect road etiquette in such situations…..

…..They pull over right and left to leave a clear passageway for

the emergency vehicles to pass through to reach  the victims

Patience is a virtue writ large in this country

Eventually when a passage has been cleared the cars push on

towards the carnage……………………..

No hurry

No fury

No anger at being delayed…..

……and when they pass the crash site they almost stop…..

…..craning their heads to marvel at the tangled metal

…..twisting around to glimpse a body (or body part)

…..And then they are past and the clear, open road beckons




This is better than christmas…..

Empty autobahn + fast car + an ‘it won’t happen to me’ attitude

and these guys are hurtling down the road at 140mph…..

…..before you can say…..

‘Tony Blair is a war criminal’


On a lighter moment I pulled off the ‘deathbahn’ for a comfort

break and found myself in some sort of parallel universe

I went into a minimart to buy some water and some fruit to eat

in the car to discover this shop only sold coffee and tobacco

 ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

In industrial quantities ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

I have no idea

Spying a German takeaway I sped across the way looking for a

German sausage…..

Bratwurst……the Germans can’t drive but they do a good sausage

I ordered eine Bratwurst and then told the operative I needed the 


It seems that English has cornered the world market in the word 

for the two things we can do with the human penis

Yes, the universal language of ‘fuck’ and piss’

‘I need a piss’ I blurted out

He only understood one word but that was enough !

He directed me back across the road towards the minimarket

There was a glass door with two stand up urinals in plain sight

on the other side…..

… waist height was a modesty strip of opaque glass in the door

Not much use if you’re a midget ! ! ! ! !

Back to the takeaway but…………

…..There was a queue six deep !

‘Mayo and ketchup’ I heard someone cry…..

With German efficiency the operative was honouring my order and

trying to dress my bratwurst and chips (which is how it came)

‘Nein danke’ I shouted back

There was a sharp intake of breath from the queue

‘Nein danke’ I repeated in case I was misunderstood

It seems I was the first person in history not to eat a bratwurst and

chips buried under a mountain of condiments and spicy flakes (he

didn’t even ask if you wanted these… took the mayo, you got the

spicy flakes)

Personally the Groover doesn’t like chips but……..

……these were the greatest chips in the world…..

…..Golden brown, crispy on the outside, fluffy inside, fresh, delicious

…..the bratwurst wasn’t bad either !

If I had known how to say in German ‘Why don’t you have some

chips with your mayo’ I would have told the lot of them

The venue if you should ever stumble across it……


For the greatest chips (fritten) in the world



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