The Lucky Plucky Gutsy edition

groovers offside

The Groover had the (dis)pleasure of dining at the

Dog and Duck today…..

…..in the, and you really couldn’t make this up…..

…..Kentish hamlet of Plucks Gutter

Acting on a “hot” tip the G.-meister put Giulietta into

‘short tour’ mode and set sail (well in the Middle Ages

Plucks Gutter was a port, now it’s 6 miles inland)

So much for coastal erosion !

It strikes me that you gain some here and you lose some

there…..

…..swings and roundabouts ! ! !

As we crested the bridge and the pub hove into sight I sensed

this was going to turn out badly

The rub-a-dub-tub was right next to a caravan sight…..

…..Hmmmmm

…..the expression ‘the race to the bottom’ springs to

mind…..

…..this olde English pub had simply adjusted to its market

Average age of habitue: 75

Normal mode of transport: assisted (there is a mobility scooter

parking station…

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The Lucky Plucky Gutsy edition

The Groover had the (dis)pleasure of dining at the

Dog and Duck today…..

…..in the, and you really couldn’t make this up…..

…..Kentish hamlet of Plucks Gutter

Acting on a “hot” tip the G.-meister put Giulietta into

‘short tour’ mode and set sail (well in the Middle Ages

Plucks Gutter was a port, now it’s 6 miles inland)

So much for coastal erosion !

It strikes me that you gain some here and you lose some

there…..

…..swings and roundabouts ! ! !

As we crested the bridge and the pub hove into sight I sensed

this was going to turn out badly

The rub-a-dub-tub was right next to a caravan sight…..

…..Hmmmmm

…..the expression ‘the race to the bottom’ springs to

mind…..

…..this olde English pub had simply adjusted to its market

Average age of habitue: 75

Normal mode of transport: assisted (there is a mobility scooter

parking station right outside)

Normal method of hearing: hearing aid

Beam me up Scotty !

Anyway, in for a penny, in for a plate of pub grub

I aimed straight for the ‘homemade steak pudding’…..

…..and steeled myself with a pint of Doom Bar

Eventually the jolly barmaid turned up with the food

…..and politely asked ‘Would you like more gravy?’

Well, my pud seemed to have plenty of said gravy so I

politely declined

Wrong move !

The jolly barmaid was in the know !

You try and eat cardboard without a lubricant (the ale

was exhausted)

Woe was me

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough

‘Giulietta’ I whispered desperately, ‘Get me back to

civilisation fast’

‘Whoosh’ she went

‘Whoosh’ all the back back to familiar haunts

‘The Butchers Arms’ in Herne with all the familiar faces

and their colourful nicknames…..

‘The Welsh twat’

‘Spud nose’

‘The fat local’

…..and many more where they came from…..

…..a pint of Broadside later and calm had been restored

Back to the world where as soon as someone leaves the cosy

confines of the Butchers someone always says…..

‘I can’t stand that pillock’

Bless

G.

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The School’s Out edition

groovers offside

Even those of you not of a certain age will be familiar

with this 1970s rock anthem…..

‘School’s Out’, Alice Cooper, 1972…..! ! ! ! !

…..Alice is actually called Vincent and quite why a

boy called Vinnie preferred to be known as a girl named

Ally is one of rock’s great mysteries !

Enough of this di-G-ression

The G.-man’s essays landed at the bottom of the pigeon hole

with a plaintive thud yesterday afternoon (6pm deadline) and..

…..realising that beer-O-clock had hove into sight…..

…..and with the rallying call of ‘School’s Out, Beers In’…

…..it was a slick shimmy down to ‘The Parcel Yard’ in

King’s Cross

This Fullers pub is in an original parcel sorting building

within the station complex……..and completely original !

………….like stepping back in time

This is the best pub find so far this year…….check it…..

http://www.parcelyard.co.uk

Plus you get to walk past the nitwits from all…

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The School’s Out edition

Even those of you not of a certain age will be familiar

with this 1970s rock anthem…..

‘School’s Out’, Alice Cooper, 1972…..! ! ! ! !

…..Alice is actually called Vincent and quite why a

boy called Vinnie preferred to be known as a girl named

Ally is one of rock’s great mysteries !

Enough of this di-G-ression

The G.-man’s essays landed at the bottom of the pigeon hole

with a plaintive thud yesterday afternoon (6pm deadline) and..

…..realising that beer-O-clock had hove into sight…..

…..and with the rallying call of ‘School’s Out, Beers In’…

…..it was a slick shimmy down to ‘The Parcel Yard’ in

King’s Cross

This Fullers pub is in an original parcel sorting building

within the station complex……..and completely original !

………….like stepping back in time

This is the best pub find so far this year…….check it…..

http://www.parcelyard.co.uk

Plus you get to walk past the nitwits from all over the world

posing for photos by the sign that says ‘Platform 9 3/4′ with

half a luggage trolley sticking out of the brick wall beneath it…

…..J.K. Rowling has a lot to answer for !

A couple of pints of E.S.B. later and then it was off to the

V&A for an audience with A.A. Gill with the G.-moll…..

…..who proved to be quite a wit…..

…..a bit like an irreverent schoolboy dressed like an old

fogey but with a dirty mouth

Bless him, he was top value……

……a tad more amusing than the female (and foreign) employee

on the front door of the museum who……

……when I pointed out that a very large man wearing a miniskirt

had just walked out of the front door past her simply replied…..

…..’I only work here and I mind my own business’

With a mighty effort the Groover managed to refrain from replying..

…..’Oh fuck off !’

Of equal value was the G.-man’s Finnish mate who was paying a

flying visit yesterday……..

……During lunch at Busaba he casually mentioned that in his

personal experience female lawyers were particularly fond of sex

‘Greek-style’…..

…..I almost dropped my chop sticks ! ! ! ! !

‘Oh yes’ he continued when he noticed my astonishment, ‘Career

women are tigers in the sack; it must be their way of releasing

pressure !’

The Groove-meister nearly choked on a prawn

Damn !

Double damn ! !

All those wasted hours in hot pursuit of barmaids and checkout

girls…..

…..I should have aimed a little higher

Bugger (but not literally) !

G.

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The Koi edition

groovers offside

Alternate title: The Save-a-Fox-a-Day edition

The G.-man heard on the grapevine that some fish

might be up for grabs…..

…..Now the herons have been dining like kings on my

fish since I moved into chez Groover

I started with 30 and now have about a dozen

Anyway I heard there were some fish going spare

So this evening I went round to check out the story

Sure enough my neighbour was ‘thinning’ out his pond

His pond which was technically a lake was heaving with

fish…..

‘How come the herons haven’t been at them ?’ I asked

mildly curious

‘You ever seen a heron with six foot long legs ? he replied

Then it was obvious, herons hunt by standing in the water

…..and the pond was about seven feet deep !

‘Good point’, I noted

‘Anyway’, he went on, ‘I have a problem pulling these

monsters out of the…

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The Koi edition

Alternate title: The Save-a-Fox-a-Day edition

The G.-man heard on the grapevine that some fish

might be up for grabs…..

…..Now the herons have been dining like kings on my

fish since I moved into chez Groover

I started with 30 and now have about a dozen

Anyway I heard there were some fish going spare

So this evening I went round to check out the story

Sure enough my neighbour was ‘thinning’ out his pond

His pond which was technically a lake was heaving with

fish…..

‘How come the herons haven’t been at them ?’ I asked

mildly curious

‘You ever seen a heron with six foot long legs ? he replied

Then it was obvious, herons hunt by standing in the water

…..and the pond was about seven feet deep !

‘Good point’, I noted

‘Anyway’, he went on, ‘I have a problem pulling these

monsters out of the water’……

‘and I’m a lot bigger and uglier than a heron !’

I looked down from the rim into the three quarter-drained

pond and saw what he meant…..

…..I wouldn’t fancy my chances if I fell into that lot ! ! ! ! !

Some of them were nearly three feet long !

Apparently Koi carp never stop growing…..I can believe it

‘Can I take the littluns ? I enquired

‘Done’, came the reply, ‘I was only going to give them to

the rat-catcher to feed to the foxes’

‘Nice’, I said, ‘It’s good to see folk caring for the wildlife’

‘It’s not quite like that’ came the reply, ‘You see the fish

will be bait. When a hungry pack of foxes get started on their

fish supper the old rat-catcher lets ’em have it with a six-bore’

It didn’t seem very sporting and anyway the G.-moll has a soft

spot for Basil Brush and his ilk

‘I’ll take all the fish you don’t want’ I rasped

‘Good, how are you going to get them home ?’ he wondered

I could see the problem instantly

‘By the way’, he added, ‘They will jump out if you don’t stop

them’

This wasn’t going to be easy

There was a lot of chin rubbing

All to no avail

The best suggestion was a builders plastic rubble carrier

No good, filled with water it would be too heavy for two men

to carry

More chin rubbing

Then suddenly………………………..

LIGHT BULB MOMENT !

I’ll bring down a wheely-bin, half fill it with water…..

…..then top it up with Koi carp

…..and push it home !

BINGO

‘Ahhhh’, growled my neighbour, ‘That’s why you live in the

big house and I live in a bungalow’

Hmmm

Job done

Koi carp 1   /   Foxes 0

Groover 1   /   Rat-catcher 0

I know it’s not Friday but it put me in the mood for…..

…..Great British fish and chips…..

…..Only nowadays it’s served up by a bevy of Turks all

trying to fake cockney accents

Bless

Anyway, I don’t expect a reward in heaven for this good

turn but………………………

…..I might get a G&T and a neck rub from the G.-moll

…..easily pleased here !

G.

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The War edition

groovers offside

The Grooverino’s Sunday morning state of calm was upset

…..the usual routine of coffee, tea, Warburtons (thickest

sliced) and Frank Coopers (extra fine peel) was derailed 

Even the endorphin rush from a dawn raid was swept aside

No…..

…..this Sunday morning was definitely minus all those warm, 

fuzzy feelings I associate with the Lord’s day

Why…..

…..simple really…. 

Just as the world gears up to celebrate the centenary of the

start of the Great War (1914-1918) on the 28th July…..

There are many people (with particularly small brains) advocating

military action against Russia…..

…..Why don’t they say ‘war’ because that’s what it means…..

…..and would these advocates be volunteering to carry a gun

and shoot at the ‘bad guys’ ? ? ? ? ? ?

NO ! ! ! ! !

…..because that’s why we have an army

…..Errrrr

Right, I get it  !

As always the people who want…

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