The Cheese edition

groovers offside

If you are old enough and English enough…..

…..you may remember the slogan from the 1970s

‘Cheese please, Louise’

However, there are hidden dangers here because

there are more than one type of cheese…..

…..in other words…..

…..more than just the cheese you eat

Some of you will have managed artfully to swerve…..

…..the cheese associated with Valentine’s Day…..

…..that’s the 14th February to all the singletons out there !

Question ? ? ? ? ?

What is romantic about sitting in a restaurant with your moll

surrounded by dozens of other momentarily happy couples…..

Him thinking, ‘This had better be worth it !’

Her thinking, ‘I know where this is heading !’

Then, of course, you have the fawning waiter (ress)

who is visibly thinking………….

‘You poor girl !’

So take a top tip…..

Do this thing on the 13th or the 15th and spare the smaltz

and the…

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The Cheese edition

If you are old enough and English enough…..

…..you may remember the slogan from the 1970s

‘Cheese please, Louise’

However, there are hidden dangers here because

there are more than one type of cheese…..

…..in other words…..

…..more than just the cheese you eat

Some of you will have managed artfully to swerve…..

…..the cheese associated with Valentine’s Day…..

…..that’s the 14th February to all the singletons out there !

Question ? ? ? ? ?

What is romantic about sitting in a restaurant with your moll

surrounded by dozens of other momentarily happy couples…..

Him thinking, ‘This had better be worth it !’

Her thinking, ‘I know where this is heading !’

Then, of course, you have the fawning waiter (ress)

who is visibly thinking………….

‘You poor girl !’

So take a top tip…..

Do this thing on the 13th or the 15th and spare the smaltz

and the tons of cheese that comes with it !

There is however a very hip spot in town that opened recently

Cafe Murano

http://www.cafemurano.co.uk

…..where you can indulge yourself with hogget pappardelle

No, that is not a misprint…..

…..nor should it be hobbit…..

…..hogget is an old lamb or alternatively a young sheep

Truly wondrous !

The G.-moll was having culinary knee-tremblers

Bless her ! ! !

Eventually she regained her composure and…..

I steamed into the caprino cheese with honey…..

Only this cheese was heaven but the honey had a kick

to it not unlike hot horseradish

‘Excuse me’, I asked the cute attendant, ‘What type of

honey am I enjoying?’

The answer resolved the issue

‘That’s not honey, Sir, that’s mustard fruit’

Sensing an opportunity the Groover pounced…..

So after swallowing my last mouthful I said……

‘In that case would you kindly bring me caprino and honey’

‘Err, yes, Sir’, came the reply

Bingo !

Two helpings of the mouth-watering cheese for the price

of one…..

…..and the mustard fruit wasn’t bad either !

However, not all of you have access to St. James, London so

let me offer an alternative…..

…..buy a ‘Pie D’Angloys’ from M&S, cheese from the Pays de Loire

…..eat it with honey and float away on a cloud of pleasure

Of course not all cheese is great…..

…..and if hygiene is not high on the agenda…..

…..somebody might get more than they bargained for !

Take another tip, stick to M&S

G.

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The Out of Body Experience (Herne Bay-Style) edition

groovers offside

You often hear the expression…..

…..’You couldn’t make it up’

Well, life is sometimes stranger than fiction !

Yesterday with the G.-moll at my side…..

…..or actually more accurately…..

…..The Groover beside the G.-moll…..

She banged fearlessly at the door of a distant relative

that happened to be residing a mile from the Casa G. in

Herne Bay

Unannounced certainly…..

…..Unprepared for what followed…..

ABSOLUTELY !

Greetings (and not a little astonishment) were exchanged

at the doorstep

Then the G.-man followed the G.-moll into the lounge where

I sat down and listened attentively…..

…..and lobbed in a few pleasantries

I needn’t have bothered ! ! !

‘Don’t you think he looks just like Aunt Emma?’ I heard

our hostess ask

Puzzled, I wondered who the hell our hostess could be

talking about

However, I was the only ‘he’ in the room !

This was swiftly followed by an apparent high-pitch

View original post 357 more words

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The Out of Body Experience (Herne Bay-Style) edition

You often hear the expression…..

…..’You couldn’t make it up’

Well, life is sometimes stranger than fiction !

Yesterday with the G.-moll at my side…..

…..or actually more accurately…..

…..The Groover beside the G.-moll…..

She banged fearlessly at the door of a distant relative

that happened to be residing a mile from the Casa G. in

Herne Bay

Unannounced certainly…..

…..Unprepared for what followed…..

ABSOLUTELY !

Greetings (and not a little astonishment) were exchanged

at the doorstep

Then the G.-man followed the G.-moll into the lounge where

I sat down and listened attentively…..

…..and lobbed in a few pleasantries

I needn’t have bothered ! ! !

‘Don’t you think he looks just like Aunt Emma?’ I heard

our hostess ask

Puzzled, I wondered who the hell our hostess could be

talking about

However, I was the only ‘he’ in the room !

This was swiftly followed by an apparent high-pitch

imitation of Aunt Emma’s talking voice…..

…..Which ‘he’ also uncannily also appeared to possess !

I was still the only ‘he’ in the room !

BUGGER !

The G.-man was being accused of resembling an aged

aunt and talking falsetto-style

This was not turning out to be a good day

I was wearing a lumberjack jacket, timberland boots and

an egregious pair of sidies………

…..for once I had left the spandex at home !

What was this woman on ?

This demented Asian faux Dolly Parton !

I left bewildered and not a little confused

This odd experience follows hot on the heels of another

Last Thursday I fell into conversation with one of the carers

from the local nursing home in Herne

‘You live in Herne?’ I enquired pleasantly

‘No, I live in a cemetery’ she answered

Not quite the answer I was expecting

‘Err, any particular cemetery?’ I tentatively asked

‘Yes, the one in Herne. My husband is a gravedigger’

Lightbulb moment ! ! ! ! !

‘I bet you live in that nice lodge at the entrance to the

cemetery, the Victorian building built in 1880?’ I wanted

to know

‘Yes’, she answered, ‘And we married in the chapel next door’

Before I could reply she followed up with, ‘I was driven to my

wedding in a hearse and I wore black’

My mouth dropped open……

……my brain wrestled for something to say…..

…..’The vicar arrived on a Harley Davidson’ she continued

Got it ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

‘You’re a bloody Goth, aren’t you ?’

‘Bingo ! she laughed

‘First Goth wedding in the country’ she went on

Then at the serious risk of being satanised I asked…..

‘Did you stand in a grave for the wedding rites ?’

‘No, you daft bugger’ she laughed

So in conclusion I would argue there are……

Folk…..

None so queer as folk…..

And then there are Hernies !

Give me my G.moll every day of the week

G.

ps, I picked up my order of real Cornish pasties this week

from Miles, the champion butcher.

They were the mutt’s nuts.

Heaven !

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The ‘F’ Word edition

groovers offside

It’s not going to be what you think…..

You automatically assume I am talking about the 4

letter ‘F’ word…..

When in reality I am going to bang on about the 3

letter ‘F’ word

Of course, if you were a Septic or familiar with

Septic TV and Hollywood you will probably have heard

both of them used together…..

Basically one of these is a good ‘F’ word and one is

a bad ‘F’ word

One you would want to avoid at all costs…..

…..and one you (should) want all the time !

You ought to be nearly there by now…………..

…..if not, don’t give up just yet !

Reminder ! ! ! ! !

Grooversoffside is about food, wine and diversions !

So last Saturday…..

…..acting on a tip-off

…The G.-man hove over to Miles Butchers in Beltinge

The tip had been that the county’s best pasties were to

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The ‘F’ Word edition

It’s not going to be what you think…..

You automatically assume I am talking about the 4

letter ‘F’ word…..

When in reality I am going to bang on about the 3

letter ‘F’ word

Of course, if you were a Septic or familiar with

Septic TV and Hollywood you will probably have heard

both of them used together…..

Basically one of these is a good ‘F’ word and one is

a bad ‘F’ word

One you would want to avoid at all costs…..

…..and one you (should) want all the time !

You ought to be nearly there by now…………..

…..if not, don’t give up just yet !

Reminder ! ! ! ! !

Grooversoffside is about food, wine and diversions !

So last Saturday…..

…..acting on a tip-off

…The G.-man hove over to Miles Butchers in Beltinge

The tip had been that the county’s best pasties were to

be found there

Half a dozen pasties I chirruped

Miles (the butcher) if that was his name looked a

little deflated…..

Sorry, mate, Sold out he said

But it’s only 10am I blurted !

Some geezer just came in and cleaned me out, must be

‘avin’ a party, he replied

Took the all the sausage rolls n’all, he added

I spied some scotch eggs !

Yes ! ! ! ! !

The bloke missed the eggs, I’ll take a couple

The Groover wasn’t going to leave empty-handed

Then Miles spoke the words of love…..

…..all made on the premises

…..no processed food here

(YES ! ! ! ! !)

…..me missus makes ’em all, pasties, scotch eggs,

the lot !

What about the Spitfire sausages, I enquired

No, I make them myself, he explained, Man’s work !

Only he had stopped using Shepherd Neame beer and

switched to Goody’s ales because……

Shepherd’s had screwed over the inventor of Spitfire

sausages

Blimey !

A butcher with a social conscience !

Then I noticed his fingers were as big as the Spitfire

sausages…..

…..in other words…..

HUGE !

I guess it must come with the territory !

Anyway if you eschew processed food and eat from proper

establishments like Miles Butchers…..

No one will end up calling you a ‘fat fuck’

…..and now you know what the bad and the good ‘F’

words are

Q.E.D.

G.

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