The Frottage edition

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The Frottage edition

groovers offside

Hmmm…..

…..the smart, serious or proper amongst you will probably

have decided to read no further

…..on the other hand those of you with dubious

proclivities will still be with me

…..Brothers !

…..and Sisters !

…..fellow Groovers !

Look, that was a childish ruse to attract your attention

It worked ! ! ! ! !

These posts are about food, wine and general madness

Yesterday the G.-man and the G.-moll went large

First there was the Roman Catholic church in Farm Street

in Mayfair

The Church of the Immaculate Conception………

Pretty amazing stuff ! ………Jesuit Heaven !

The church opened in 1849 and is classic gothic revival, the

Farm Street front designed to ape the west front of Beauvais

Cathedral, the high altar designed by Pugin

To see is to believe…..

…..You should see this place before you shuffle off this

mortal coil

…service and prayer followed by tea…

View original post 290 more words

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The Frottage edition

Hmmm…..

…..the smart, serious or proper amongst you will probably

have decided to read no further

…..on the other hand those of you with dubious

proclivities will still be with me

…..Brothers !

…..and Sisters !

…..fellow Groovers !

Look, that was a childish ruse to attract your attention

It worked ! ! ! ! !

These posts are about food, wine and general madness

Yesterday the G.-man and the G.-moll went large

First there was the Roman Catholic church in Farm Street

in Mayfair

The Church of the Immaculate Conception………

Pretty amazing stuff ! ………Jesuit Heaven !

The church opened in 1849 and is classic gothic revival, the

Farm Street front designed to ape the west front of Beauvais

Cathedral, the high altar designed by Pugin

To see is to believe…..

…..You should see this place before you shuffle off this

mortal coil

…service and prayer followed by tea and biscuits…

…tea and sympathy…

…tea with everything…

…plus the priest (no frottaging in sight)

Then a restorative pint of Timothy Taylor’s Landlord

in The Audley in Mount Street

…..the G.-moll eschews bitter in favour of prosecco…..

…..Molls !

…..can’t live with them, can’t live without them ! ! !

Then after a brief homoerotic interlude (don’t ask) in

Marc Jacobs it was off to…..

Latium (www.latiumrestaurant.com)

Latium is where the Latin tribe used to hang that

founded Rome and all that came afterwards…..

…..if this subject interests you then try reading

Gibbons ‘The Rise and Fall of The Roman Empire’

Anyway, this place rocks (quietly)

The G.-couple were the the only diners and imbibers

Real Italian regional food served with(out) a smile…..

but at £16.50 set price for two courses…..

…..plus nibbles provided as a gift from the chef

as a ‘preamble’

…..plus homemade breads and olives and olive oil

Paradiso ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Check this out……

The Groover’s primo piatto was ‘Two celery soup

served with gnocchi, cheese and oil’

YUM (the universal language of food appreciation)

Give it a whirl…..

….Take your girl !

I can’t sign off without dipping into the prurient…..

You see frottage is a Surrealist art method developed by

Max Ernst in which the artist uses a pencil or similar to

make a rubbing over a textured surface

Alright, you have waited long enough…..

…..Frottage derives from the French word frotter which

means to rub

So if you want sex but you don’t want to have sex

you frot !

Confused ?

You should be !

G.

ps This practice is also known as the Princeton rub or the

Ivy League rub…..

Confused ?

Remember ‘Animal House, 1978’

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The Dystopia Revealed edition

groovers offside

We all know ‘utopia’ is a pipe dream…..

…..and by the same token we were all pretty sure that

its reverse, ‘dystopia’, is an Orwellian nightmare

WRONG

and WRONG AGAIN

Two very simple examples will illustrate this…..

Firstly, the G.-man’s moll had a leak yesterday…..

Well, several actually but it was the one that left a brown

water mark on the kitchen ceiling that alarmed her…..

…..her shower is directly above !

So it was straight onto ‘First Direct’, her insurers, this morning

Her policy has a ‘Home Emergency Cover’ section……covers

plumbing, drains and electrical etc up to £500

Nice !

The First Direct operative was friendly and reassuring…..

…..at first !

Yes, you are covered, he exclaimed

The G.-moll breathed a sigh of relief

Do you have another bathroom in the house ? he enquired

Yes, she replied

Ahh……………….

Then I am sorry to tell you that you are…

View original post 281 more words

Standard

The Dystopia Revealed edition

We all know ‘utopia’ is a pipe dream…..

…..and by the same token we were all pretty sure that

its reverse, ‘dystopia’, is an Orwellian nightmare

WRONG

and WRONG AGAIN

Two very simple examples will illustrate this…..

Firstly, the G.-man’s moll had a leak yesterday…..

Well, several actually but it was the one that left a brown

water mark on the kitchen ceiling that alarmed her…..

…..her shower is directly above !

So it was straight onto ‘First Direct’, her insurers, this morning

Her policy has a ‘Home Emergency Cover’ section……covers

plumbing, drains and electrical etc up to £500

Nice !

The First Direct operative was friendly and reassuring…..

…..at first !

Yes, you are covered, he exclaimed

The G.-moll breathed a sigh of relief

Do you have another bathroom in the house ? he enquired

Yes, she replied

Ahh……………….

Then I am sorry to tell you that you are not covered, he revealed

WHAT ? ? ? ? ?

The G.-moll was reaching for her six-shooter

I’m sorry, he blithely continued, but if you have another

bathroom you can use then it’s not an emergency

It’s all there in the small print, he continued, didn’t you

read it ?

The G.-moll cocked her six-shooter…..

Basically, this policy is not worth the paper it’s written on

So with a fuming G.-moll I made my way to the train station

Arriving at 9.05am the Groover was not a little surprised to

find the ticket office closed…..

It was the bloody rush-hour ! ! ! ! !

Fuming, I escorted the agitated G.-moll to platform 3 to

see her off…..

…..then went back to try and buy a ticket from the ticket

machine

LO and BLOODY behold………..

…..there was the ticket operative standing round the back

…..having a BLOODY FAG ! ! ! ! !

It was the rush hour and this half-wit was busy killing herself

like a naughty school girl behind the bike sheds

Would she do that if it was her business ?

Would she close her coffee shop to have a fag ?

NO and NO again

Welcome to modern Britain…..

…..where you don’t have to speak English to make out

like a banshee

…..where nothing is what it seems

…..and where pride in your job ends when the boss is

out of sight

Anyway, it’s not all gloom and doom……

If you find yourself in Covent Garden try the new Swedish coffee

shop and an original cinnamon bun…….

…..Bageliet

It doesn’t get any better than this…..

…..and you can practice your Swedish on the lady operative

Enjoy

G.

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The Rehab edition

groovers offside

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said “No, no, no”…..

That was Amy Wine-O-house back in 2006

RIP

Meanwhile in 2014 the G.-man was ordered to attend

‘driver rehab’ or get 3 points on the old driving licence

The Groover said “Yes, yes, yes”

So he pitched up at Maidstone Museum………………..

…..strange but true…..

…..at the appointed hour of 9.15am yesterday

I couldn’t resist asking the woman at my table…..

‘So, darling, what are you in for ?’

Porridge style……….BBC1, 1974

As it happened………..

It turned out we had all committed the same ‘crime’…..

…..using a motorised vehicle while driving a mobile……

…..No, that was not a spoonerism or some such  !

It also turned out we had all been nabbed by unmarked

police cars…….

…..not what the G.-man would call a fair cop ! ! !

Three hours of ‘driver rehab’ ensued…..

Basically 1 tedious…

View original post 349 more words

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The Rehab edition

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said “No, no, no”…..

That was Amy Wine-O-house back in 2006

RIP

Meanwhile in 2014 the G.-man was ordered to attend

‘driver rehab’ or get 3 points on the old driving licence

The Groover said “Yes, yes, yes”

So he pitched up at Maidstone Museum………………..

…..strange but true…..

…..at the appointed hour of 9.15am yesterday

I couldn’t resist asking the woman at my table…..

‘So, darling, what are you in for ?’

Porridge style……….BBC1, 1974

As it happened………..

It turned out we had all committed the same ‘crime’…..

…..using a motorised vehicle while driving a mobile……

…..No, that was not a spoonerism or some such  !

It also turned out we had all been nabbed by unmarked

police cars…….

…..not what the G.-man would call a fair cop ! ! !

Three hours of ‘driver rehab’ ensued…..

Basically 1 tedious hour per 1 saved point on the licence !

All the weary ‘offenders’ had to fill in a booklet

with interesting questions like…..

‘How would you describe yourself ?’

The class teachers would then ask ‘offenders’ what their

answers were…..

Interestingly the most common answer was ‘fun’

Then they made the mistake of asking the G.-man…..

‘White, middle-aged male’ he chirped

That got a laugh ! ! !

The most bizarre part of the 3 hour session was the

scenario invention…..

Different groups were given set scenarios and asked to

create a narrative around it…..

First prize went to table D who suggested that the woman

using her phone on the last mile of her journey home from

work was engaging in ‘phone foreplay’ with her partner who

was waiting for her in the bedroom with……

…..a pair of handcuffs and an engorged free willy

That got a laugh too !

Such imaginations ! ………..

…..or I have been living a very sheltered life ? ! ! !

We were also asked what we enjoyed about driving…

…one ditzy female replied ‘I hate driving, that’s why I talk

on my mobile to make me forget about the experience’

We did all learn that the idea of multitasking is a myth…..

This myth was properly debunked by means of a 2 minute video

that was played to us

…..human beings can only do one thing at a time…..

…..that includes the female of the species  !  !  !

So, ladies, if you were contemplating giving your man

his birthday treat on the way to dinner in the car………

…..DON’T do it !

He really can only concentrate on one thing at a time

Bless him…..

…..and whilst the women can plan the Sunday roast while

delivering said birthday treat………..

…..they still can’t drive a car and talk on the mobile safely

But the good news is……..

The Groover is now fully reformed…..

…..and completely infused with remorse…..

…..until the next time

…..except there won’t be a next time

The G.-man is determined to go straight…..

…..to Hell probably !

G.

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