The Crime Doesn’t Pay edition

groovers offside

This probably looks like an ironic title bearing in mind it

was written by an ex-banker…..

…..at least bankers are (generally) smarter than the average

bear !

…..at least they are more slippery then the average eel and

therefore harder to catch !

…..the same cannot be said of the miscreants who unsuccessfully

tried a house invasion on Casa Groover

Said miscreants brilliantly managed to give the forensic department

of the police force a ‘professional orgasm’ ! ! ! ! !

They succeeded in leaving behind for the guardians of law

the following clues to their identity…..

A blood sample where they cut themselves on the window climbing

in

Several perfect fingerprints on the glass panes

Half a dozen footprints on the carpet

There you have it, the Holy Trinity of the clue world !

This could only have been topped by leaving behind a stripey

sweater with the miscreants…

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The Crime Doesn’t Pay edition

This probably looks like an ironic title bearing in mind it

was written by an ex-banker…..

…..at least bankers are (generally) smarter than the average

bear !

…..at least they are more slippery then the average eel and

therefore harder to catch !

…..the same cannot be said of the miscreants who unsuccessfully

tried a house invasion on Casa Groover

Said miscreants brilliantly managed to give the forensic department

of the police force a ‘professional orgasm’ ! ! ! ! !

They succeeded in leaving behind for the guardians of law

the following clues to their identity…..

A blood sample where they cut themselves on the window climbing

in

Several perfect fingerprints on the glass panes

Half a dozen footprints on the carpet

There you have it, the Holy Trinity of the clue world !

This could only have been topped by leaving behind a stripey

sweater with the miscreants name sewn carefully into the collar !

Whirling into action like dervishes the forces of the local

constabulary have identified one of the felons who was arrested

this afternoon and is now destined to spend New Year’s Eve

enjoying the concrete walls of a police cell

Lucky lad (it was a male of the species)

Pity it’s not Turkey……..

…..where he might have expected a visit from the hairy, sweaty

jailhouse attendant looking to satisfy his homoerotic carnal

desires (remember ‘Midnight Express’?)

Pity Christmas has past, I could have added that to my chrissy

list !

VICTORY !

Good prevails over evil !

The G.-man was offered counselling by the investigating officer

at the time of the discovery

Counselling ? the Groover inquired

Yes, said the officer. If I was traumatised by the events surrounding

the break-in a nice lady from the social services side of the police

department would be in contact with me to help through it……

Interesting…..

Then out it came………………

Is she good looking ? the Groover asked

There was an astonished silence ! ! !

Just kidding, I added to allay their fears

If you can’t see the funny side of life in the face of adversity

you have no right to belong to the ‘Worshipful company of

Groovers and Hipsters’

G.

p.s. If the miscreants had spent less time watching ‘Youporn’

and more time watching CSI they might still be at liberty !

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The Little London Adventure edition

groovers offside

Bright Lights Big City………..

…..is the title of a 1984 novel by Jay McInerney

…..and a very good first effort it was too

This story was set in New York but our little adventure takes

place closer to home…..

…..and whereas McInerney’s story was powered by cocaine the

G.-man’s is empowered by food and wine and therefore has the

distinct advantage of being legal…..

BUT FUN

First pit stop was ‘Princi’ in Wardour Street

This enormous Milanese coffee shop and bakery is packed full

of Italian economic refugees and Italophile wannabees

The decor is more Fung Shui than Zen himself

They bake on the premises, the food is worth dying for and

you can get a proper Spritz Aperol there to boot

This spot absolutely heaves…..

…..but it’s worth every, Oh, ‘just do it’ ! ! !

Then after further dalliances with the thronging masses and

when you feel the need…

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The Little London Adventure edition

Bright Lights Big City………..

…..is the title of a 1984 novel by Jay McInerney

…..and a very good first effort it was too

This story was set in New York but our little adventure takes

place closer to home…..

…..and whereas McInerney’s story was powered by cocaine the

G.-man’s is empowered by food and wine and therefore has the

distinct advantage of being legal…..

BUT FUN

First pit stop was ‘Princi’ in Wardour Street

This enormous Milanese coffee shop and bakery is packed full

of Italian economic refugees and Italophile wannabees

The decor is more Fung Shui than Zen himself

They bake on the premises, the food is worth dying for and

you can get a proper Spritz Aperol there to boot

This spot absolutely heaves…..

…..but it’s worth every, Oh, ‘just do it’ ! ! !

Then after further dalliances with the thronging masses and

when you feel the need for the restorative power of alcohol…

Second pit stop is Mark’s Bar in Brewer Street, this is the

basement drinkerie beneath the Mark Hix restaurant

Smoother than ‘Silky the Silkworm’s silk pyjamas’ (1986, Blackadder)

Great music, great art, great cocktails, great furniture and very,

VERY groovy…………

Grab yourself a corner table and watch the ‘World of Cool’ come

and go

Drink a ‘Hix Pale Ale’ by Palmers or a cocktail if drinking real ale is

too daunting a challenge !

Then back out to do battle with the eight million Londoners or if one

were to include the tourists and the illegals…..10,462,118……

…..at the last count !

When finally it is time to hove over and refuel then it’s time for

Pit stop 3……Arbutus in Frith Street

Eschew the menu a la carte and simply take the ‘plat du jour’

Don’t bother asking………

…..Live a little dangerously !

This entails bread, water, wine and a main course for the princely

sum of a tenner (£10)

Trust me on this, we are talking the Jackson Pollocks here…..

Oh sorry, you may be more familiar with the non-art history

version of this expression…..the dogs bollocks ! ! !

Sit at a table or at the bar if you happen to enjoy the intimacy

of your dinner companion

So that’s it………….

Without going more than 200 metres in any direction you can

avail yourself of a gastronomic adventure you can then dine

out on for years and…..

…..enjoy all the other shopping (?) experiences that a very funky

Soho has to offer these days

G.-G.-G.o the G.-man

Happy New Year to you all

G.

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The Violated edition

It wasn’t me that was violated

Technically the G.-man is still untrammelled

But casa Groover got a right good seeing to

How many windows did they need to break ?

How many door handles did they have to rip off ?

How many doors did they have to kick off their hinges ?

The answers are 3, 2 and 1

Not a good start to the day

Not a good start to any day, come to think of it !

But in actual fact it got worse ! ! !

Because when you have been violated you look for a little…..

…..help…..

…..compassion…..

…..sympathy…..

WRONG !

Suddenly you are a potential insurance fraudster !

The insurance company (Allianz) in this case is quick to

relieve you of the premium

But when you ask for the goods for which you paid they want

to deny all knowledge / accountability………………………………..

….the first stand they take is the long list of prerecorded messages

….the second are the standard declarations of recording for training

purposes

….the third and the killer blow is the standard…..

‘due to high levels of calls you are placed in a queue’

‘please hold on for an indefinite period because your call

is important to us’

BULLSHIT

Then when you finally get through they feign competence while

delivering a service a third world country would be ashamed of !

The G.-meister discovered the failed house invasion at 11am…..

…..at 9.30pm the house had been boarded up……….

NOT BAD !

Only ten and a half hours to secure the house

Good job I wasn’t in a hurry

Credit where credit is due…….

The police were brilliant…..

…..The forensic team were very professional

The insurance company ?

NUL POINTS

Frankly, why do we bother

Time to go self-insured…….

If it’s good enough for the government it should be good enough

for us !

Seriously though, what we need are insurance cooperatives…..

…..you all own the insurance body so you are essentially paying

premiums to yourself

Com’on, you know it makes sense ! ! ! ! !

Anyway, hats off to my neighbour…..

…..who was having a crafty fag in the garden when he heard

a loud bang come from my house

So, excited at some unknown prospect he raced back into his 

gaffe, grabbed a torch and then strafed the G.-man’s garden 

and casa thus alarming said light-fingered Kentish heathenites

…..causing them to flee empty-handed

So I became the unhappy recipient of a…..

‘failed burglary’ attempt police report…..

…..and a suspect in an insurance fraud !

Bless them all

The failed attempt occurred on Christmas eve

The G.-man was busy celebrating midnight mass at the

Brompton Oratory…..

I would have quite liked to have been at home so that I

could have introduced said felons to my baseball bat

HOMERUN !

G.

 

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The Mouse That Roared edition

groovers offside

Whoever said ‘Speak softly and carry a big stick’ ?

The truth is nobody knows

But the American president Teddy Roosevelt made it famous

Teddy almost built a mythology around the saying by claiming that

its origins lay in a West African proverb

In reality it was the perfect evocation of American foreign policy

That is, negotiate with a bloody big military machine to back you up

So when the G.-man decided to take on Canterbury County Council

and the council asked the age-old question…..

‘Yeah, you and whose army?’

The Groover looked them straight in the eye and quietly said…..

‘No army, mate, I am going to use G.-force’

Well they laughed, but he who laughs last laughs loudest !

And whose laughing now ? ! ! ! ! !

The Groover, lui-meme

Let me explain………………………………..

I have just been given an early christmas present

It arrived this morning…

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The Mouse That Roared edition

Whoever said ‘Speak softly and carry a big stick’ ?

The truth is nobody knows

But the American president Teddy Roosevelt made it famous

Teddy almost built a mythology around the saying by claiming that

its origins lay in a West African proverb

In reality it was the perfect evocation of American foreign policy

That is, negotiate with a bloody big military machine to back you up

So when the G.-man decided to take on Canterbury County Council

and the council asked the age-old question…..

‘Yeah, you and whose army?’

The Groover looked them straight in the eye and quietly said…..

‘No army, mate, I am going to use G.-force’

Well they laughed, but he who laughs last laughs loudest !

And whose laughing now ? ! ! ! ! !

The Groover, lui-meme

Let me explain………………………………..

I have just been given an early christmas present

It arrived this morning in the post

The Government appointed solicitor who was to judge the council’s

case against me has written to say the council have dropped their

case

£50 parking fine cancelled

Nothing to pay

WRONG

VERY, VERY, WRONG

Not the G.-man that’s wrong but the council

The council clearly thought they would lose the case so they

withdrew

The council wanted to avoid setting a legal precedent

However in withdrawing they have set a moral precedent

They were wrong, they were harvesting cash from innocent

motorists

And now they are going to PAY

They are going to have to pay back the 1000s, perhaps tens of

1000s of motorists who have been fleeced by this car park ruse

in Whitstable

How do I know ? I hear you ask

Because the Whitstable Times are going to run this story on their

front page and urge everyone to demand their fines back from the

council

They have my file

They have the council’s 40…..

Yes, 40 page case against me

They still LOST

So the mouse roared

The man-in-the-street doesn’t need to feel powerless in the face

of institutional misappropriation of one’s personal funds

And with that I wish you all ‘jingle bells’

Love, kisses etc

G.

p.s. I almost forgot…..and goodwill to all men (except county councils this year)

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