The Sex, Drugs And Rock n’ Roll edition

Alternate Title: The Looking For Big Joe edition, Part 7

Still no sign of the big fella !

But when the G-man blasted down to the sea this morning as

part of the early morning ritual he noticed some Hernies…

…also enjoying their early morning ritual…..

…..except in their case the ritual came out of a can bought

from Tesco Express over the road

and it says 10% on the side of said tinny

Tesco don’t really help the situation…..

…..the booze section is not discreetly tucked away at

the back as in the US

…..No, Tescos make it the first aisle you see when you look

in the door

Temptation ?

This is like letting a paedophile walk past the entrance to a school

Social irresponsibility ? ? ?

Tescos certainly know what they are doing…..

…..they post a burly security guard beside the door

…..to tackle the thirsty ‘grab and flee’ merchants

You couldn’t make this up !

The guard is not there to stop old grannies making off with a loaf

of bread !

So that’s the ‘drug’ in the title of this post

The ‘sex’ ?

It certainly goes on…..

…..how else would the teenage girls get a baby to get on the

social security gravy train ?

The rock n’ roll ?

Perhaps a little mood music to get him all revved up …..

…..or some serious heavy metal to drown out his grunting (the

expression ‘a wart hog in distress’ springs to mind)

Then having safely ensured the future of the human species the

boys and girls get back to the serious business of drinking

themselves to death !

Question…..

How do we break this vicious cycle ?

Ban alcohol ? ? ?

NO

The septics tried it, prohibition didn’t work

The answer must be ration cards

ALCO RATION CARDS !!!!!

21 units per male per week

14 units per female per week

These are the recommended safe maximums

Exceptions only to be made for students involved in boat races

and any sporting event that uses alcohol

Now this introduces some very interesting dynamic possibilities…..

The trading of alcohol allowances for favours within the household…

Hmmm…..the mind boggles just thinking about it !

And the selling of alcohol should be nationalised just like in Sweden

Yes, in theory this would damage the state purse through lower

consumption

Ahh…but !

The state would actually be better off overall because they would

make all the money from retailing the stuff and…..

…..the state wouldn’t have to look after folk who get sick with

alcohol-related diseases or the other problems that are caused by

excess alcohol like traffic accidents

So there it is…..

Groover’s 2-point plan to clean up Britain’s alcohol problem

Of course there is always a loser to every winner…..

…..so the Tesco guard would probably find himself out of a job

Sorry mate, but it’s a small price to pay to help put the ‘Great’

back in Britain

Cheers

G.

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The Looking For Big Joe edition, Part 6

Alternate title: Marged Again

Margie has had a facelift

Even Mary Portas had a go at the highstreet…..

…..she failed but that’s par for the course !

The Turner Contemporary marked a ‘turning point’

Margate is slowly reclaiming her old glory…..

…..she has it all going on

The Winter Gardens

The Theatre Royal

The Walpole Bay Hotel

A beautiful sandy beach with a huge tidal pool…..

…..although rather worryingly there is a sign in the middle

that is essentially a length of scaffolding buried in the sand…..

…..a handful of signs point in different directions…..

…..one to the lifeguard’s hut

…..one to the beach inspector’s hut

…..and one to the toilets that seems to point straight at

the tidal pool ! ! ! ! !

Incredibly you can still buy saucy postcards at a place called

‘Kiss Me Quick’

There are still more bingo halls and amusement arcades than

virgins in a nunnery but life isn’t perfect…..

…..the star turn is the revival of the historic old town…..

…..full of retro shops, cool restaurants, coffee shops, galleries

and colourful characters !

More colourful than most is the owner and died-in-the-wool

eccentric who runs the ‘The Mad Hatter Tea Garden’

It’s christmas all year round in this tinsel-filled corner house

The owner wears only yellow, his tea shop is yellow and his

home is yellow too and he won international fame last year by

running in front of the olympic flame carrier when it came through

Margate……..err……..in his yellow track suit !

Oh and he always wears a top hat like the Lewis Carroll character

The old town is full of galleries like ‘The Pie Factory’ which contains

three galleries, a cafe and a pop-up shop

There is even a shop specialising in 1960s and 1970s Danish homeware

Cool restaurants are everywhere and some have spectacular views like

Morgan’s Vintage Dance Hall and Coffee Lounge……..

…..you look right across the length of Margate’s sandy beach

The G.-man ate in the harbour arm that arcs out into the sea

and provides a becalmed basin for boats……

…..in a great little place called ‘BeBeached’

It’s one of these places with a small menu on which

everything is cooked fresh (so it takes time) and all the

ingredients are sourced locally and the suppliers are all

printed on the back of the menu to prove it

The views back to the town across the harbour are wonderful

The regeneration of Margate continues apace with plans to

build a boutique hotel next to the Turner and to renovate the

art deco marvel that is called ‘Dreamlands’ on the seafront

In vernacular speak ‘Margie gets it’

…..for something

…..for anything

…..and then buy the T-shirt to celebrate the event from

‘Kiss Me Quick’……..for a few squidlies you can get one

that reads ‘For a dirty weekend come to Margate’

Well why not (even if it is a Tracey E. invention)

With a bit of luck Margie won’t need Tracey when the

makeover is over and Tracey can be banished to Hoxton

permanently

G.

ps, Nearly forgot, I think I saw Big Joe at a bus stop, I can’t

be certain but at least we know he might have green credentials

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The Looking For Big Joe edition, Part 5

Alternate title: ‘Wherever you go, there you are’

The alternate title is a well known Brazilian expression

that basically means ‘live for the moment’…..

…..which is exactly what millions of Brazilians do at Rio’s

carnival every year

…..and probably what the England football team should do

right now

Well done, boys !

You beat Montenegro 4-1 !

But it’s worthwhile remembering that this is a country not

much bigger than a postage stamp…..

…..and with a population the size of one of London’s suburbs

In fact, saying that one plays for the Montenegro national team

is the equivalent of saying you play for your street in Liverpool !

Good luck with the next stage of qualifying for a chance to do the

samba in Brazil…..

…..why not just give the ball to Andros Townsend…..

…..he seems to want to score goals

And goals win games !

Either way, enjoy the moment, it may prove to be fleeting

Back to the search for Big Joe……..

The morning pant was different this am…….

Colder, for sure

But after yesterday’s storms the promenade was buried under

shingle…..

…..and running on shingle is like running on cobblestones

Difficult !

As I passed by the National Coastwatch Station it did produce

a wry G.- smile……

These fellas are like failed voyeurs…..

Even birdwatching has a point to it !

But the volunteer (all training provided free !) ‘spotters’

just stare out to sea and hope something goes wrong so

they can tell somebody else to try and fix the problem

At least a lifeguard throws him (her) self in the sea to save

the person in distress

At least a lifeboat puts to sea to assist a stricken vessel

At least a twitcher can file an online report of his feathered

friends so others can come and enjoy them too

No, the tea-drinking habitue of the N.C.I. is little more than 

schadenfreude-loving pensioner with a penchant for radios !

I don’t mind them really…..

…..because I know they are looking out for Big Joe…..

…..he swims in the sea roughly opposite the elevated N.C.I.

station

…..and this is Hernia Bay…..

…..they don’t do lifeguards here

Back to food, music and love

The Groover takes delivery today of a Mrs Wiggins pork pie 

as supplied by The Butchers Arms…..

…..one of these monster pies will sustain the G.-man for a

week in the lunch department accompanied by a jar of 

piccalilli

Said pies are the acme of the pie world !

Said pies are only available on order through certain

establishments like The Butchers and by invitation only

Be lucky !

I’m off to see Mrs Wiggins (not her real name for legal reasons)

to get mine

Love it  ! ! ! ! !

G.

ps, Music ? Well that will be James Hunter next month, the

coolest blue-eyed soul boy this side of the atlantic

 

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The Looking For Big Joe edition, Part 4

Alternate Title: The Banned For Being Boring edition

Still no sign of Big Joe…..

Still optimistic……………..(the old stockbroker in the G.-man)

Now the casa Groover is in Herne on the Costa del Kent………

Famous for being the birthplace of Nigel Farage, the 

home of the world’s first micropub and the birthplace

of a great little microbrewery 

http://www.micropub.co.uk

http://www.goodyales.co.uk

So much in such a little place !

The brewery got well and truly grooved today…..

Situated down a country lane in a field, the Bleangate

Brewery is where Goody Ales are born…….

…..the sign at the entrance reads ‘This way to Heaven’

…..very apposite !

And this being the 21st century the master brewer is actually

a mistress brewer……

…..the technical term is a ‘brewerette’

Karen Goody saw the light in 2008 and together

with her henchman, Peter, she has been producing amusing-

sounding English ales all (bar the first) incorporating the word

‘Good’

The G.-favourite is ‘Good Heavens’

But at Yuletide you can imbibe ‘Good King Wenceslas’

At Easter you can enjoy ‘Good Friday’

In the summer you can knock back ‘Good Innings’ (it’s a

cricket thing !)

In the autumn ‘Good Harvest’ is available

The all-year-round varieties fill in the gaps between the

seasonal ‘goodies’

Like ‘Good Health’ and ‘Good Sheppard’ and the very first

beer produced called ‘Genesis’ which is a porter-style little

number

The brewery is technically a very large shed but that is where

the magic happens

Karen and Peter scoot around in matching white wellies looking

like biological scientists from a sci-fi movie

There was a wonderful smell of burning wood coming from a large

black furnace just outside the brew-barn……….

…..the beginning of a ‘good(y) brew’

Curiously Goody Ales are not served (much) in the micropub

called The Butchers Arms in the village of Herne

A mystery all round………

But this is an establishment where a sign on the outside of the

pub reads…………

‘Chatham House Rule Applied’

Confused ?

I was !

It’s an historical thing that essentially means you can repeat

anything you hear inside the pub as long as you don’t name 

names or affiliations or indeed anyone present at the time

Very handy…..

You can tell it like it is or even fable-it-up with impunity

The other curiosity in said pub is a large blackboard that 

is headed ‘Banned Board’

Today beneath the title it read…..

‘Nigel, 4 weeks’

After a little preamble the Groover elicited Nigel’s ‘faux pas’

‘Easy’ was the landlord’s answer, ‘He was boring’

This is actually a place where being boring is a sin

The explanation is simple………………

Micropubs are small places where only English ale is 

served and the whole point is the pub is a forum, an open 

place where everyone has the right to be heard………

…..just don’t be BORING ! ! !

Which brings me to the landlord’s own personal motto which

goes by the acronym…..

N.F.L.

This stands for ‘no fu*king lager’

So if you were boring by nature and a lager drinker by 

preference…….

…..you would probably be taken outside and shot !

Cheers !

G.

Goody Ales are going to withdraw the ‘Good Health’ variety of

their beers because a government department believes it is making

a false claim……………………

…..Errrr………..isn’t  ‘Good Health’ another way of saying ‘Cheers’

LORD, SAVE ME !

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The Looking For Big Joe edition, Part 3

groovers offside

Alternate title: Margate gets Grooved

Well it needed something so Giulietta and the G.-man

hove over there

The primary reason was to go to the ‘Turner and Constable:

Sketching from Nature’ exhibition that opened today…..

…..sad to say it was a collection of mean little sketches that

don’t deserve to be let out of the storage repository

However the sculptures by Juan Munoz called ‘Conversation

Piece III’ that have been placed in the entrance hall are a

wonder…..worth going just for that !

The exhibition of works by Dorothy Cross was also interesting

And it was free so ‘thumbs up friend’ (The Inbetweeners, 2008-2010)

So that was the culture out of the way…..

…..now for the rest !

Margate has been a popular seaside town for the past 250

years

It feels very Victorian, Londoners loved to skittle down to Margie

for a bit of fun

In the 1960s it…

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The Looking For Big Joe edition, Part 3

Alternate title: Margate gets Grooved

Well it needed something so Giulietta and the G.-man

hove over there

The primary reason was to go to the ‘Turner and Constable:

Sketching from Nature’ exhibition that opened today…..

…..sad to say it was a collection of mean little sketches that

don’t deserve to be let out of the storage repository

However the sculptures by Juan Munoz called ‘Conversation

Piece III’ that have been placed in the entrance hall are a

wonder…..worth going just for that !

The exhibition of works by Dorothy Cross was also interesting

And it was free so ‘thumbs up friend’ (The Inbetweeners, 2008-2010)

So that was the culture out of the way…..

…..now for the rest !

Margate has been a popular seaside town for the past 250

years

It feels very Victorian, Londoners loved to skittle down to Margie

for a bit of fun

In the 1960s it was the destination of choice for mods to battle

rockers…..

In the 1970s it was the destination of choice for mods to

battle skinheads…..

In addition it had England’s oldest roller coaster and seaside

funfair

So things were going great until…………………………………………

1963

…..when Tracey Emin pitched up

Margie has been in decline ever since

The Turner Contemporary is part of England’s brave attempt

to reverse the Tracey E. effect

I can assure you there is hardly a mod in sight !

But to my great surprise there was a very large group of

folk who looked like they had just walked off a movie set

for a film based in the 1940s…….

…..all milling around, eating and drinking in the historic old

town section of Margie

This was too much for the G.-man to resist !

…..in like flint ! ! !

‘So are you a 1940s club or what ?’ he posed to a lady looking

like Lana Turner’s ugly sister

The explanation was simple…….

They were all staying at the Victorian Walpole Bay Hotel

for the ‘Walpole Bay 1940s Swing Weekend’ which featured

the Cinque Ports Lindy hoppers

Whoa !

I need to get out more ! !

I definitely coveted the fat baker boys some of the men

were wearing

Next stop: The Margate Shell Grotto (Grade 1 listed)

This chalk cave, shell encrusted marvel is in the centre of town

and nobody knows who built it or why…..

…..nobody understands the symbolism or the narrative…..

…..except I have to agree that one panel looked just like a massive

phallus !

Look, it is impossible to describe

Seeing is believing

YOU need to go and see this for yourselves

The conclusion: Margie rocks (a bit) without the need

for rockers

GO

G.

ps, Day 3 and I haven’t made contact with Joe yet but I

know he’s here so ‘Hold on, I’m Comin’ (Joe), Sam & Dave, 1966

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The Looking For Big Joe edition, Part 2

groovers offside

Alternate title: Herne Bay, Motobility Scooter Town

Detroit can ‘read it and weep’

Hernie has 35000 Hernites…

…and 6000 registered motobility scooters

Of course, there are some folk with more than one…

…as in your everyday one…

…and your one for best !

For church on Sunday ?

For dates ?

Probably just a spare so you can always be on the move

Anyway, day 2 and no sign of Big Joe

No worries, he will show up

Eventually !

There has been a little muttering regarding the G.-man’s

‘homoerotic near miss’…..

…..along the lines of Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act III, Scene II…

…’methinks, he doth protest too much’

Look, it was back in 1976 and it lasted approximately

8 nanoseconds

Let me help you with the arithmetic………

…..that is 8 billionths of a second

Some rainbow warriors would claim they all count…..

….well, ‘Good night, and good luck’, 2005

I…

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